Candy Crush is stupid, you guys.

Candy Crush had a great marketing campaign.

Candy Crush ImageI don’t recall ever seeing it advertised. If there were commercials on TV, I missed ‘em, since we don’t have cable and only watch what’s available on Netflix. But I don’t even know where else I’d have seen ads for Candy Crush.

Obviously I saw them somewhere, though! Because one day, the game was everywhere. All my tweeps on Twitter were talking about it, as though it had been around for the last twenty years.

You guys – Candy Crush is NEW, this century. Stop acting like it’s old hat. I’m not falling for it. Moreover, Candy Crush is stupid. But I might have already said that.

Anyway —

That’s my first complaint about Candy Crush.

And YES, I have more complaints than just the one complaint. And even though I can’t really blame trendy-ish-ness on an inanimate object when the blame should clearly be placed on YOU, the public, I’m going to include it in my list.

BECAUSE I CAN.

I am always suspicious when fads attack.

Passing Fads ceramic tile

“We are gathered here today to discuss potential new members from the land of Candy Crush. All in favor say ‘Aye!'” — YES, PLEASE.

When new styles of clothing crop up {like wearing high heels with capris, for instance — Stupid}, or new “cool” words / terms {like “LOL”, for instance — Acceptable}, new hatred of celebrities {like Nickelback, for instance — blasphemy}… when all these modes, methods, and means become commonplace within two seconds flat, I am always suspicious.

I don’t know how you guys do that, as I always miss the fucking memo. And since you always leave me out, I always assume you’re a stupid-headed dumb-dumb.

So I’ll admit it.

When Candy Crush first entered my field of constant recognition, I automatically assumed the game was stupid. Turns out I was right {indeed, Candy Crush IS stupid!}, but I had to play it first to confirm my assumption. Because I’m open-minded like that.

And of course, my hubz made fun of me, because I had fallen prey to the whims of the wild masses. He knows how much I despise you wild masses and all your crazy whims. And besides, he knew full well that Candy Crush is stupid.

Another acquaintance accused me of enjoying the game.

She was all,

“You’re playing it because you like it. You’re addicted. Just admit it.”

No, bitch. You’re wrong. Dead wrong. I didn’t enjoy Candy Crush at all. And here is why.

SEVEN REASONS CANDY CRUSH IS STUPID:

  1. Clown with Accordian - Jim Shore - Heartwood Creek - Enesco

    That’s right, Clown. Play your stupid music.

    Candy Crush is stupid because it’s trendy. As I already stated. Pay attention, Clown.

  2. Candy Crush is stupid because the music is fucking annoying.It just drones on-n-on, the same tuneless tune. It reminds me of the ice cream truck that tools around our village, except even that is broken up with the occasional “Yoo-hoo!” whereas the Candy Crush “music” is not trying to get my attention so much as lull me into a false sense of security so that weird girl can come out of the screen and eat my brains. I might be making that part up. I had to mute the sound every time I played because it drove my hubz mad.
  3. Candy Crush is stupid because the words are fucking annoying. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. These platitudes are offered in a cult-like monotone. It seems like there is some kind of code behind the words, some message I can’t quite understand. I worry you’re all being brainwashed.
  4. Weird Candy Crush Girl

    Weird Candy Crush Girl with Weird Arms is Weird.

    Candy Crush is stupid because that weird girl with the weird arms is weird. My eight-year-old daughter was looking over my shoulder at one point and shrieked, “What is wrong with that girl’s arms!? They aren’t attached right!” She ain’t wrong. The girl is freaky. And creepy. And altogether deeky.

  5. Candy Crush is stupid because the gameplay is simply another version of Bejewled. Which I also thought was dumb. Pattern recognition isn’t really THAT difficult for you wild masses, is it? Enough that an entire game is based upon rewarding your ability to match-up like objects? Really? Then I must hate you.
  6. Candy Crush is stupid because the life span is short, even if you’re winning. So there I was, playing the first few levels and beating ‘em like a BAU5. Totally taking that candy ass DOWN. Making that weird bitch swing her arms ‘round and ‘round. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a message sprang up announcing that I’d have to wait before playing any further levels. Excuse me? Fucking EXCUSE me? Are you serious? That is so stupid I can’t even stand to talk about it without getting riled up. And yeah, I know it’s a free game. But I can play as many levels of Sudoku as I want without being forced to take a break. Is this like what happens every hour at the pool, wherein the lifeguard blows a whistle and forces all the kiddies to depart the waters for hydration and potty breaks? I cry BULLSHIT, you guys. I’m a grown ass woman. I don’t need some game telling me when to take a piss.
  7. Candy Crush is stupid because leveling up is impossible without public interaction at some point. Now, this accusation is merely hearsay, because I quit playing before reaching this stage. My sister assures me, however, that it’s true. At some point beyond Level 35, you can no longer play unless you receive “tokens” from your buddies on Facebook. Look, you guys. I detest Facebook. And I always {block*} those requests to play games via Facebook. Those games are stupid and a waste of my time. NO, I do not want to give you a cupcake or a tree, and I do not want to join your team of vampires or pirates, and I will never, ever help you rake leaves or till the land. Just… NO. So there wasn’t even a slight chance in all of the vast lands of Hades that I would be asking anyone for “tokens” in order to watch the weird girl swing her weird arms as I progressed through the game.

So there you have it.

Enough testimony to believe me that Candy Crush is stupid. Hopefully you all come to your senses and delete that app from your phones or handhelds or electronic what-have-yous. If you keep playing, that is certainly your prerogative, but just be aware I am over here judging you.

And harshly.

* If you would like to learn how to block game requests on Facebook, read Lisa Ladrido’s article “Blocking Facebook Game Requests: How I Crushed the Candy”.

Make me understand. 

Are you a fan of Candy Crush? Or do you block that shit pronto? Do you play all those stupid Facebook games? WHY? No, for realz — WHY?

18 comments
Nuzhhat Naomi
Nuzhhat Naomi

Whatever the reasons are, people still love this game. People are so much addicted to this game that it is the highest played game of facebook. Facebook is full with candy crush followers. Checkk this link : http://goo.gl/Tibqrf . You can't just say that this a stupid game. 

ToddKAutman
ToddKAutman

      I never liked this crudy game, I sat their and watched my mom play it and felt bored and lifeless for her, And when i'd ask her why she liked it her response was  "because I do, I dont ask why you like your games"....and Then I was all like "at least my games are awesome and don't have the same crappy music and scene...And rewards me for kicking someones ass and not just for connecting candy .    Finally the cherry on top is now that Candy crush saga is trying to steal the patents from candy swipe,,,the original game they copied ... my mom stopped playing because of this as the original game was made for the game makers dead mom and was happy to co exist with candy crush saga...also it was the mans only way to feed his kids,,,, and so candy crush saga is ruthlessly attacking him for no reason. so yeah they can fek off 

Lisa Ladrido
Lisa Ladrido

Thank you for including my post! I hope it helped you stop the notifications! I didn't like a few aspects of the game and hated bothering my friends for lives. Of course their goal is for players to purchase lives, which I never did. The clown character reminds me of the clown in the Saw movies. Yikes. Scary!! Thanks again!

Marjorie McAtee
Marjorie McAtee

It is advertised on TV, I've seen it. Lately when I've been using the internet on my Smartphone, pop-ups appear that at first look like error messages, but then when I read them, they say "Why you no play Candy Crush?" Grrrr.

Wallace1770Mary
Wallace1770Mary

Ralph looks shifty-eyed and not to be trusted, so we already know he's full of shit. Anyway, some facts for ya. Candy Crush Saga is one of 4 things what will ruin gaming. Per Cracked.com's Robert Brockway http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-new-video-game-realities-that-will-kill-industry/ and just the very thing you mentioned, the "Wait" is going to become a bigger problem. I loathe Candy Crush Saga and all of those things. I do Farm Hero for one of my "homeless sisters" to give her boosts, another game changer. I play exactly 2 games; "Runescape," which Jesse can tell you about (I'm a ranked player and it's a complicated MMORPG) and "Bejeweled" because I'm bipolar. Yup, you heard that right. Bipolar people tend to play massive amounts of "Bejeweled." It's like a Zen zoning out thing, before we go to sleep. I found this out after I joined a few bipolar support groups. Yeah, Candy Crush Saga is WAY stupid. I never heard the music, thank you Jesus, because from your description? I'da committed mass murder. I'm really sensitive to music. I don't listen to "Bejeweled" music either. I listen to Rachmaninoff or Beethoven. Once more, Candy Crush Saga is stupid.

Carol Lynn Rivera
Carol Lynn Rivera

Candy Crush is toooootally stupid but I only read half of what you said about it because I was busy playing Candy Crush. Also I am simple minded and just like to see gems break and fall down. Also I am up to level 91 and I have never asked anyone on Facebook to give me a cupcake or anything because I refuse to connect anything to Facebook ever. Also Facebook is stupid. And Candy Crush.

Andi Roo
Andi Roo

@Nuzhhat Naomi FALSE. Indeed, I CAN say this is a stupid game. A stupid game played by several of the wild masses makes it no less stupid for all its popularity. Next you'll be trying to tell me that high heels worn with capris isn't a stupid and ugly style just because lots of people wear it that way. You'd be wrong on that score, too. I am not swayed by wild masses. See my rant above on trends and fads. If anything, the more popular something is, the more ugly &/or stupid it is likely to be. Because humans in large quantities are poor decision makers and make lousy choices.

Andi Roo
Andi Roo

@JoollyH No. I don't want to cheat at Candy Crush. I want to stomp on it and kill it and make it go away forever. I will NOT try your silly site. Even if you do "reccomand" it. No. Just... NO. 

Andi Roo
Andi Roo

@ToddKAutman  Holy crap, I had no idea about this situation! Yeah, definitely another reason for me to detest Candy Crush. Blah! I might have to update this post with that added info. Thanks for bringing it to my attention! :)

Andi-Roo
Andi-Roo

Lisa, your post was awesome, so I simply *HAD* to include it! Thank you for sharing the info so more of us can block icky things on FB. And you are SO right about that creepy clown! *ugh*... now I'll probably have nightmares... THANKS, LISA! lolz

Andi-Roo
Andi-Roo

I keep getting that same "error" message, only mine says, "Why you no play Candy Crush anymore?" And I want to scream in response, "Because I hate you hate you hate you stupid weird girl!" But that would make me crazy so I don't do it out loud. Often.

Nuzhhat Naomi
Nuzhhat Naomi

@Carol Lynn Rivera  Whatever the reasons are, people still love this game. People are so much addicted to this game that it is the highest played game of facebook. Facebook is full with candy crush followers. Check this link : http://goo.gl/Tibqrf . You can't just say that this a stupid game. 


Andi-Roo
Andi-Roo

I can't tell if you're being bitchy or agree-ish. But it doesn't matter because either way your comment herein is hilarious! I'm a little bitter that you didn't have to get tokens or cupcakes from anyone to reach level 91. I was promised this was an impossible feat. I might have to reconsider... NOPE. NO. NOT GONNA DO IT. You almost had me there, gurl.

Lisa Ladrido
Lisa Ladrido

Ha ha! I hope you didn't have nightmares! Thank you again! Happy 4th of July!

Andi Roo
Andi Roo

@Nuzhhat Naomi I don't know why you posted the same comment twice -- once directed at me {the author} and once directed at Carol Lynn {a reader who commented} but I'ma retort with the same response I posted above. Because I can. BOOM.


FALSE. Indeed, I CAN say this is a stupid game. A stupid game played by several of the wild masses makes it no less stupid for all its popularity. Next you'll be trying to tell me that high heels worn with capris isn't a stupid and ugly style just because lots of people wear it that way. You'd be wrong on that score, too. I am not swayed by wild masses. See my rant above on trends and fads. If anything, the more popular something is, the more ugly &/or stupid it is likely to be. Because humans in large quantities are poor decision makers and make lousy choices

Carol Lynn Rivera
Carol Lynn Rivera

I don't have the capacity to be bitchy I am way to awesome. But yeah, it is stupid. And addictive. And I only play it because I hate it but I turn off all the sounds and if it looks like I'm going to lose I quit so it can't beat me. And I definitely don't bother anyone about it except maybe Ralph because he hears me occasionally go "I hate this stupid whore game!" Level 91 bitch. For a week. But. Level 91.

Andi-Roo
Andi-Roo

Well, you ARE awesome. So I expect higher levels than 91. You'd better play harder. Maybe the music will help you get past that obstacle. I think you should turn it ALL THE WAY UP and follow Ralph around playing it in his ear. Cuz that'll definitely help.