Author Archives: The Hubz

Dear Brave Librarian

Posted on by
Reply

Remember last week, dear brave librarian?

The Time Traveler's Wife DVD

Still haven’t seen it.
For realz.

 

I brought my daughter in to look at all the books and play with the trains and see what new movies came in.

Just like I do every week.

I think I checked out The Time Traveler’s Wife for like the third or tenth time.

I’m pretty sure I won’t watch it this time, either, but I keep hoping for the best.

So, my dear brave librarian, there we were at the check-out counter.

My daughter wanted to spend more time with the trains. Her arms were full of chapter books. My arms were full of books-on-CD and some sci-fi novels I wanted to read. I think I had some music CDs, too. I’m pretty sure I had that one by Lenka.

“I want to make another bridge, Mom, PLEASE!?”

Because my eight-year-old is an artist, dear brave librarian.

And even though she has clearly outgrown Thomas the Train, she loves the tracks that come with them. She creates various avenues and roads and patterns that are pleasing to the eye. She finds beauty in the oddest of objects. Nothing is trash. She can see a purpose in all things, ever. And those train tracks call to her, every week.

My daughter and I were arguing, dear brave librarian.

Quietly, yes. But arguing nonetheless. While she was trying to  convince me of the merits of FIVE MORE MINUTES, JUST FIVE MORE MINUTES, I was likewise attempting to persuade her into understanding just how starving I was. Which was a lot. There was much grumbling of my tummy, and I fell unto bribery. I offered up Chinese food. An agreement was reached.

Do you remember what happened next, dear brave librarian?

I Believe in Librarians tile

You guys are magical and whatnot.
For realz.

I do. That moment is forever etched in the history of my thoughts, like a tweet that can’t be deleted, or a status update that has gone viral. Because that was the moment when I realized how awesome you are, dear brave librarian. Something happened, and you reacted, and your cool head and professional demeanor made all the difference between conflict and consensus. I looked on with awe, admiration, respect, and not a small amount of fear. Because YOU. FREAKING. HANDLED.

A man came into the library bearing a large knife, dear brave librarian.

He wore it clipped to a belt that clung around his waist. It looked like a hunting tool, something that could gut a bear. I don’t know what I’m talking about, because knives are beyond my scope of ken. I use them to butter bread or chop onions, and that’s about it. And I don’t bring them to the library, because the library {generally speaking} carries neither bread nor onions.

Angelina Wrona with Knife poster

Totally *NOT* what the knife-wearing individual looked like.
BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN HER.
You don’t know.

 

But this man brought his knife with him, and he didn’t appear to be looking for a meal.

I didn’t even see him, dear brave librarian.

He didn’t brandish the knife or wave it about or anything obvious like that.

The knife remained in its holster, where it belonged, if one can say that a knife belongs in a holster about one’s waist.

Still. It was there. Inside the library. And you saw it. And you were not daunted.

Dear brave librarian:

You marched right up to the knife-wearing guy and asked him point blank,

“Is that a weapon?”

He answered yes, that it was indeed a weapon. You urged him to take it out of the library. You told him,

“Weapons are not allowed in the library.”

Never mess with a Librarian mug

No trouble from me, ma’am!

You said this, dear brave librarian, as though you weren’t taking a risk.

As though it wasn’t dangerous to approach a knife-carrying man.

As though it was perfectly natural to address him in tones of authority.

As though you knew, without a doubt, that he would not draw that knife and cut you up into tiny pieces.

 

And yes, he left. Without argument. No complaint. No backtalk. No trouble.

I think I went into shock, dear brave librarian.

Because I forgot all about that incident until I saw you again today. And my eyes went huge. And I thanked you for taking care of your patrons. And I got all teary-eyed. And I called you, “Dear brave librarian,” because that is what you are to me. In my eyes, you are a hero.

Dear brave librarian:

Even though you poo-poo’ed my concerns, I know what you did was courageous. I know this because, when I asked you what you would have done if he had refused, or if it had been a gun instead of a knife, your answer was this:

“If I had thought any lives were at risk, I would have had someone approach him with me, and had another employee ready to call the police.

 

Or, if I was really afraid, I would not have bothered approaching him at all, and would have just called the police myself immediately.

 

You have to expect confrontation when you work in the public. If I couldn’t handle it, then this job isn’t for me.”

Just because you weren’t afraid doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have been.

Just because you weren’t afraid doesn’t mean I wasn’t afraid for you.

Just because you weren’t afraid doesn’t mean we, your patrons, don’t owe you our gratitude.

Just because you aren’t constantly in the face of danger as a dear brave librarian doesn’t mean you aren’t a hero, too.

Dear Brave Librarian:

Steampunk Librarian print

I still want to be a librarian when I grow up.

 

On behalf of all the citizens in the community who utilize the New Lebanon Branch of the Dayton Metro Library, THANK YOU.

For your bravery, and for all the services you provide, and for being a respite for my family, THANK YOU.

For taking care of us in the face of potential danger, and possessing nerves of steel, THANK YOU.

 

Henceforth, I will pay all my late fees gladly.

 

Because he is: An ode to my hubz.

Posted on by
Reply

~ Because he is a good man.

Family - where life begins - wall decalI’m home alone on Father’s Day. My hubz is hard at work today, slaving away for Corporate America to ensure his family has food on the table and a roof above. He has no biological children of his own never will, since I cannot have any more babies.

For all intents and purposes, this man is a single entity, merely sharing space with other unrelated entities.

 

What makes him stay?

What makes him work crazy hours with little payoff?

What makes him so dedicated and relentless?

~ Because he is a good husband.

I have never known anyone so completely giving of his heart. I feel so lucky to be able to depend upon the fact — FACT! — that he will always come home. Moreover, he will come home to ME. And even further, he actually WANTS to come home to me.

Maybe you have always known this kind of love. Maybe you have never been lonely or deprived passion. Maybe you have no idea why this is such a big deal. Maybe you don’t get it. If that’s the case, you are pretty goddamn lucky. And you don’t even know it. So I’m kind of sorry for you.

I have suffered in the world of love-and-loss. But I wouldn’t change a thing. All the heartache and sadness and even the depression has been worth it. Because I wouldn’t appreciate the little things nearly as much as I do now, had I nothing against which to compare them. I know exactly what I have, and how very precious it is.

~ Because he is a good dad.

High Five!My hubz has been asked on more than one occasion if he wants kids of his own. He always looks puzzled, and responds that he already has kids. He refers to my children as his son and his daughter. Somewhere, logically, he is aware they do not share his DNA. But he raises them, loves them, disciplines them, shelters them, backs them up, comforts them, and laughs with them. He DOES have kids of his own.

Biology doesn’t make a family. Love makes a family.

There is so much love in this house, some days we have a hard time knowing where to put it. It comes out in tickle wars, pillow fights, ree-donkulous name-calling, silly jokes, inside funnies, and an abundance of family hugs — what some might call a dog-pile, although we usually remain standing and thus are rendered more a football huddle than a mess of canines.

~ Because he is our world.

Family isnt always blood - wall decal

My hubz is the glue that holds everything together.

He is the voice of reason, except when he is the voice of goofy nonsense. He is the dreamer, except when he is the planner. He is the poet, except when he is the guide. He is spontaneity and planning, all rolled into one. He is easygoing yet decisive.

He is everything to us.

~ Because he is just ALL THAT.

I Love You Daddy - Little Golden BookWe love you so very much, my darling. Thank you for all you give us, all you do for us, all you are. You make our lives so rich, and we are grateful to have you. Thank you for choosing each of us, individually and as a whole. You own our hearts.

With love and gratitude from your wife and children,

Happy Father’s Day, Jesse-Bear!

Tooth Fairy Inflation

Posted on by
2

Dear *Every Parent*,

If your little child recently lost a tooth, and you aided the Tooth Fairy in leaving anything more than $5 under that child’s pillow, then you are an asshole. Seriously. We don’t all swim in fucking money, you guys. Some of us are POOR.

My daughter lost a tooth yesterday.

Tooth Fairy Tile by Susan Brown Designs

I would rant WAAAAY less often if I looked like this version of the Tooth Fairy.

Since she is eight, this is less adorable than it was when she was only four. I can hear all the Joneses* out there gasping that I would dare think my child is ever anything but the most perfect child on the face of the Earth, but it’s true. My daughter is pretty goddamn special — but only to me. And none of your kids matter to me in the slightest. Let’s not pretend otherwise.

Stop gasping. It’s perfectly okay to admit that your kid’s 500th lost tooth isn’t as keepsake-ish as the first five. Saying so does not make me any less in love with my beautiful baby, and I promise not to think any less of you when you finally come to the same simple conclusion with YOUR little gem.

Our baby-kins worked diligently on this particular tooth removal.

It was quite impressive, really, because normally she is pretty squeamish about this sort of thing. Blood, cuts, scrapes, bruises — it all creeps her out major and brings on the water works. You could almost go so far as to say she’s pretty much a freaking crybaby, but if I say that then someone might get all offended and call Children’s Services or something rash like that. But yeah, my girl does not do well with injuries.

She beamed with pride once the extraction was complete.

I Heart the Tooth Fairy Framed Tile

“I Heart the Tooth Fairy” except when the Tooth Fairy is practicing extortion.

With a stream of red pooling on her tongue and dripping down her chin, she excitedly showed off her accomplishment to everyone in the house. It was pretty fucking disgusting. But we all told her what a great job she had done, called her brave, and kindly urged her to go wash her freaking hands and clean up her grody gum line.

Then came the sticker shock, wherein we learned a couple things:

  1. the reason behind her eager tooth-pulling activities.
  2. the shocking reality of Tooth Fairy Inflation.

“Sometimes the Tooth Fairy leaves twenty-dollar-bills under the pillow!”

My hubz and I exchanged glances.

These glances were not loving, mushy stares filled with sweet little hearts and bubbles. These glances were, instead, large-eyed WTF stares. We likely resembled deer caught in a headlight. Because who the hell is going around giving their kids twenty-dollar-bills in exchange for a piece of calcified body-part? YOU, DEAR ONE, ARE AN ASSHOLE. That’s not Tooth Fairy Inflation. That’s rotten parenting.

And you’re ruining it for the rest of us.

After our precious angel went to bed, we glumly discussed our options. My hubz’ suggestion was this:

“Tell her the Tooth Fairy isn’t real, and then urge her to pass on this heartbreaking news to all her friends who received $20.”

Practical and satisfying, yes.

Alpha Gray Wolf Bears Teeth poster

If your kid looks like this, by all means, GIVE IT $20!

Would definitely take care of the Tooth Fairy Inflation quandary. But not really very nice, and definitely not how I want to address with her whether or not magic exists. What I’d really like to do is kick all you Joneses* in the vagina. It’s YOUR fault I’m in this quandary.

If you’ve got so much money floating around, maybe you should send us a twenty to stick under her pillow tonight.

I’m sorry.

Tooth Fairy Inflation or otherwise, I just don’t have $20 to give to my child — a child, let us remember, who only just finished second grade. A child who has no concept of the value of the dollar. A child who is eight.

Who the hell gives $20 to an eight-year-old, anyway? Except maybe a crazy old grandparent. I could see that. Or like that weird aunt we all have locked up in the attic. But otherwise? Nada. No one. Nobody. Not gonna happen.

Thanks a lot, you guys.

I can only afford to pass the Tooth Fairy a fiver. So now my daughter is going to wonder why the stupid Tooth Fairy doesn’t like her as much as she likes the other kids who obviously have better parents since they can afford to drop $20 like it ain’t no thang. At eight years of age, my daughter is already going to learn how much it sucks to come from the economically oppressed side of the tracks.

And it’s ALL. YOUR. FAULT.

What-the-Dickens The Story of a Rogue Tooth Fairy by Gregory Maguire

“What-the-Dickens: The Story of a Rogue Tooth Fairy” by Gregory Maguire.
Duh. The Tooth Fair obviously went rogue because of play dates and shitty parents.

PS. In re-reading this rant, I realized belatedly that some of you might not understand what I mean when I refer to the Joneses.

*The Joneses are those idiot fools who spend all their money trying to one-up each other in some crazy ploy to achieve world domination by being the biggest, bestest, shiniest, fastest, most cool people EVER.

Joneses are usually douche bags. You can tell because they take their kids on Play Dates {read my rants regarding this dumb-dumb invention HERE and HERE} and worry about buying the newest trendy item on the market at Christmas.

Also? They bitch about stupid shit on Facebook and are ridiculously competitive. Most of them can hardly spell, and they tend to like romance novels. They are almost always white people whose parents paid for college, where they were lucky enough to meet their spouse, who now takes care of them so they can afford to get their nails done regularly like that’s just what normal people do (it isn’t) and take fucking palates or yoga or zumba or whatever.

The Joneses, in conclusion, are stupid, bitchy motherfuckers with way too much money and time on their hands.

PPS. I obviously wrote this while in a snit.

I’d like to be able to say I’m sorry, but the truth is, I’m just not. Maybe it’s PMS. Or maybe I’m just tired. Or maybe the planets aren’t aligned correctly. Or maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. WHATEVER. My point is, I’m standing by my statement.

Because if you give your child $20 for a tooth, you’re a fucking asshole.

PPPS. I just realized why some of you assholes might have caved in to Tooth Fairy Inflation: It’s probably because the tooth came out right before bed-time and you had to rush over to an ATM, which of course only spits out twenties. And you were in too much of a hurry, or too lazy, or too tired, or too whatever-ish to follow-up at a gas station to break that bad boy down into fivers.

So you got that twenty-dollar-bill out of the machine, MAYBE thought about going somewhere to break it for like two seconds flat, and then thought, “FUCK IT.” So you gave up $20 (and possibly an ATM fee) for a tooth. And thus Tooth Fairy Inflation was born.

PPPPS. I had that ATM revelation because I, in fact, endured this hardship last night. And I succumbed.

I gave up my ATM-twenty because I couldn’t be bothered to drive to the gas station 15 minutes away to break it into fivers.

And now I’m a hypocritical asshole. I added to Tooth Fairy Inflation.

I’m sorry, you guys.

Silver Lining: At least I’m not one of the Joneses.

Comment Policy

Posted on by
6

I am very excited about something I read recently, and I simply cannot wait to put it into practice on my own bloggy-blog. Of course, I will need some trolls to visit me before it will work, but I’m just trying to stay ahead of the game here. You never know when a troll will come a-knockin’, AmIRight?

 

So this is what happened.

pictures of troll dolls

All American Patriotic Red White and Blue Bingo Troll Doll Awesome Hair 5″

There I was, reading John Scalzi’s blog Whatever like I sometimes do, and all of a sudden this post just fell out of my computer and into my brain. The post was called “The Kitten Setting” which is kind of a weird title, but stay with me. Here is how it starts:

 

“My friend Jenny Lawson (aka The Bloggess) has a comment policy, in which she reserves the right to take the postings of the most obnoxious trolls in her comment threads and change the words to something else entirely, subverting the message of the troll.”

 

You can see how this sort of thing would appeal to me, yes? Turning aggression into unicorn poop with feathers sounds like just what the doctor ordered. You know, if doctors were into prescribing fantasy-character therapy to people complaining about trolls. But look, people, this isn’t about me. This is about helping to make the world a better place by removing one shitty comment at a time. And also this might be about laughing at trolls. Because laughter is medicine. And doctors like to give people medicine.

 

See what I did there?

 

Why would John Scalzi need a new comment policy?

Because people are douches, that’s why. Apparently some ass-hat keeps reading his blog with the express purpose of becoming angry and belligerent. So when this ass-hat left one nasty comment too many, John was like, “Nah, man. Nah.” And then /// presto, change-o /// he magically turned the ass-hat’s comment into something more fun.

 

The original comment (paraphrased, according to John):

 

“WAAAAARGLEBAAARGLE LOTS OF SPITTLE AND JACKASSERY I THINK “LIBERAL” IS AN INSULT I MAY BE TWELVE SMELL MY MANLY ARMPITS”

 

And then the corrected / updated version:

 

“I love hearts and flowers and pretty bows! I could dance in sparkly showers all the day long! Fa la la la la la!”

 

Doesn’t that make your heart sing? It does mine. Can you hear it? My heart singing? It’s all chorus-y up in here. Listen to all the happy being flung about. There is a symphony of joy gettin’ it on.

 

But, doesn’t this new comment policy kind of trick other readers?

comment policy

Business-Management: Feedback Photographic Poster Print

Okay, yeah. I can see that. So, if I ever see the need to engage in such fuckery, I will be sure to indicate that an edit has taken place. John calls his new comment policy “kittening” because some of his updates included imagery of the troll wishing to snuggle baby cats. I will refer to my new comment policy as “glittering” because, well, because FUCK YOU IF YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE, that’s why. So you might see a comment like this:

 

“Andi-Roo, you are one sick bitch, you liberal whore. Burn in hell!”

 

… changed, for example, to this:

 

“Per my comment policy, this troll-ish comment has been modified to include glitter: Andi-Roo, you are one hoopy frood, you glittery cheerleader. Climb rainbows!”

 

Tell me true: This new comment policy is fucking awesome, right?

 

Won’t that piss off the trolls?

Hopefully, yes. That’s the plan, anyway. I mean, if you are merely in disagreement with my stance on a particular subject, that’s one thing. I’m not going to worry over that. Nobody can be expected to be in my camp 100% of the time. That would make blogging pointless. I wouldn’t have anything to say if everyone already knew and agreed with all my wonderful musings.

 

I don’t intend to engage my glittering comment policy unless someone is just being outright mean. Don’t be a jack-wagon and you won’t have to fear my glittering unto you. As to whether or not you’re being a jack-wagon, John says it best:

 

“Who gets to make the call of who is being an asshole? I do.”

 

Right on, brother. This is my world, and you’re merely walking in it. Don’t piss on my glitter, yo.

 

Aren’t you kind of inviting troll-ish-ness?

Hm. That’s a fine question. It was pointed out by a bloggy friend of mine a while back when I wrote my post “Open Letter Invitation to Haterz” that I’m kind of being an asshole myself by actually looking forward to controversy and asking that sort of riffraff to come at me. That’s fair. I can see that.

 

But my bloggy friend, who has been blogging way longer than I have, seems to also be overlooking a fine point. Everyone in the blogosphere KNOWS that you haven’t made it big until you start attracting HATERZ. It’s a fact. I’m not making that shit up. And she knows this. First come the friends, then come the fans, and finally, the HATERZ take notice. It’s a three-step process.

 

It’s great that my friends read my blog (they don’t; most of them try to pretend we’ve never met, because I’m way too irreverent for their grownup lifestyles of boring maturity). Having fans is even more awesome, because it indicates you’re growing beyond those who already know you. I have fans, and I am happy of it. But HATERZ? That’s when you know you are doing something worthwhile — for realz — because you’re saying something that matters enough to make them not only think about it, but more: HATERZ who take the time to let you know how much they hate you are gifts from the great beyond. You impacted people both left AND right, both hither AND yon, both for AND against. Your voice is being heard by many.

 

Don’t underestimate this sad truth of blogging: Having HATERZ is proof / validation that your little bloggy-blog is getting some play.

 

So what’s YOUR comment policy?

Do you just ignore trolls? Or delete their meanie-pants comments? Or do you have a moderation thing in place wherein you just don’t approve it to see light of day? That happened to my hubz once and he was pretty pissed about it because his comment wasn’t even rude. Seriously. My hubz is pretty much NEVER rude. He’s that nice guy who used to be a Boy Scout (but not a gay-hating Boy Scout, because that would make him a motherfucker whom I could not abide. I don’t truck with folks who are anti-gay.). So anyway, he merely pointed out a differing perspective, politely, and his comment was never approved. Which is RUDE.

 

How do YOU deal with trolls / ass-hats / jack-wagons?

Where the Hell are all MY Facebook Fans?

Posted on by
20


I’m sure that a lot of you out there in the blogosphere are aware how much time and effort goes into the content creation and promotion of a blog. It’s a lot of fucking work!

 

Oh yeah… Hi, I’m the “Hubz” as my wife likes to call me on her “bloggy-blog”.

 

I’m the Content Manager – Want to be my Facebook Fan?



I just started my own Facebook page. I know, I know… How narcissistic of me, right? I just figure since my wife (Andi-Roo) loves to mention me all the time in her blog and since I am the “behind-the-scenes” Content Manager guru person, that I should get to be famous and loved by many in the blogosphere/Facebook too. I think that’s fair… You?

 

You don’t agree, I can see that… Well, let’s just imagine for a moment that you came to Andi-Roo’s Bloggy-Blog here and found NO IMAGES?!?! This could happen. If I chose to not take care of her post for her, she would be forced to write posts with no images. Also… No videos! It is also quite possible that her font selections and such could be quite wonky. Also, imagine a blog written by Andi-Roo that didn’t crash every so often because her wonderful Content Managing “Hubz”, got a little over zealous with plug-ins and dreams of the “ultimate blog”. You know you’d miss that!

 

Say Good-Bye to Andi-Roo’s Facebook Fans!


This is one of the most important reasons why I deserve my own Facebook page and also… Why YOU should like it!

 

If it wasn’t for me, Andi-Roo would have NO Facebook Fans. She would have taken her Facebook account down from the Internet, thrown it through the window into a pile of burning glitter and then stomped on it for good measure. In case I didn’t make it clear… Andi-Roo (my wife) hates Facebook and everything that goes along with it! Don’t get me wrong… She loves her fans, it’s just the other bit where you have to own a personal Facebook account in order to have a Facebook page that she disdains.

 

As part of my “duties” as Content Manager here at The World 4 Realz, I shame my wife into making her daily trip to Facebook in order to post some content to her Facebook page. This is just one more excellent reason that you would want to like my page because… I’m telling you right now. ANYONE who can “make” Andi-Roo bend to their will is a very special person indeed!

 

A few other miscellaneous reasons why you should be my Facebook Fan.

facebook fan

Like Foam Hand
 

I was a Boy Scout. I mean… How much better does it get? Content Manager/Smart-ass AND Boy Scout?! Just think of how useful I could be should there ever be a zombie apocalypse or some really annoying asshole who needs to be put in their place!! Definitely a great reason to like my Facebook page.

 

I have been known, on occasion, to cook some pretty excellent food. I’m not saying that this makes any difference to anyone who would be my Facebook Fan, but it certainly can’t hurt. Just don’t ever ask Andi-Roo about the “cinnamon” incident…

 

My family considers me their tech support. Actually… Let’s scratch this reason. I get enough calls from my family wondering why their Netflix/Internet/Printer/Mouse (it’s the batteries)/Random computer program/router (unplug it, wait 20 seconds, then plug it back in)/Modem (see router)/speakers won’t work right. I don’t think I could handle all of my Facebook Fans calling me every time their mouse ran its batteries down.

 

I don’t know shit about cars. I know, this doesn’t immediately seem like a great reason to like me on Facebook, but I assure you that it is. See… There are guys and then there are “car guys”. I’m a guy. Car guys on the other hand won’t be able to shut up about their twin cam, high shaft, shit-mobile that they just bought off of some douche-bag on CraigsList who didn’t know what he had and they got it for WAY less than it was worth. Then they will proceed to bore you with meaningless car words until you aren’t sure if you’re awake or not. Finally… You pinch yourself and realize that you never want to talk to that moron again. I PROMISE you… I’m not that guy!

 

I’m sure that I could come up with some other GREAT reasons to get you to like my Facebook Fan page, but honestly… I’m tired of trying to be witty here. It takes a lot out of me. That’s why my wife writes this damn blog and I do the pretty pictures. Stick with what you’re good at, they say. If you have any requirements of me that I must meet before you will like my Facebook Fan page, please list them in the comment section. I will do my best to accommodate any reasonable requests.

 

Holla if You Are Here Today

Posted on by
1

WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE TODAY?

i keep hitting the escape button but I am still here wood sign

Okay, the fact that you’re even reading this is a bunch of bullshit, because it means that December 21, 2012 came and went with nary an apocalypse.

You are here today on the interwebz, scrolling and trolling and just generally going about your business as usual. I must say, you are boring, my friends. I was expecting — nay, anticipating! — mayhem. But my mail carrier was here today, dropping off packages like zombies weren’t chasing his ass, and my neighbor was here today, building more shit in his backyard as though his garden isn’t about to be trodden by looters.

 

MY HUBZ WAS NOT HERE TODAY.

corporate ladder canvas print

…because he had to go to work. Yeah, Corporate America was here today, too. Bastards. They could have had the decency to let employees have the day off… just in case. But no — greed of the many always triumphs over personal survival. DUH.

 

My hubz works an hour away. Maybe you’re reading this in the morning, and the End of Days has not yet begun. That means he will have to fight his way over miles and miles to get back home to me. It’s just too far, when there are no horses to steal. I’m assuming, of course, that cars will automatically be stalled out and gas tanks will be on empty and auto pile-ups will be a naturally growing phenomenon.

 

So if my hubz gives up on returning home, and can’t be here today with me when I need him most, where will he hide? There are a number of fast food joints near his location of employment, but I think that’s a bad, bad plan. That’s where all the hungry people will go first, so cannibals will simply have their pick of the yummiest, fattest brains.

 

I can’t even think about it. You know what, babes? I’m sorry, but you’re on your own over there in that other city, millions of miles away. Unless you find a horse, in which case get your ass home and protect us.

 

GUESS WHO ELSE WAS HERE TODAY!

lawyer on duty sign

I’m really dismayed about this one.

 

I got a phone call from my attorney. So then lawyers made it through the wilderness. Somehow, they made it through. (That was a Madonna reference, in case you didn’t catch it, young ones.) Yep, the legal system is still here today. They will probably still be here even after the cockroaches have gone the way of the dinosaurs.

 

But even before that, my daughter got on the bus to head off to school. So that means all of Farmersville and Germantown are here today — along with the education department. I wasn’t expecting that. They take days off for heavy fog, or sheets of ice on the road. I really thought they’d let the kids sit this one out.

 

BASICALLY, THE WHOLE EFFING WORLD IS HERE TODAY.

Nothing has changed. Assholes still run the planet. The rich are still being mean, selfish jerk-faces. The poor still can’t dig themselves out the hole. The NRA still thinks guns are fun and that we should all have bullets galore and that somehow (even he hasn’t hardly touched the subject, even now) Obama wants to take away our 2nd Amendment rights. Westboro Baptist Church is still full of loons. My parents are still Republican (I’m sorry). My sister is still sitting the fence (but at least she’s not Republican). Facebook still sucks major donkey balls.

 

On the flip side, Doublestuff Oreos are still the shizzle. My daughter’s hugs are still the warmest ray of sunshine on the planet. My son’s laughter is still the best sound to my ears. The caress of my hubz is still the best butterflies-in-my-tummy feeling. Cookies-n-Cream ice cream still needs Hershey’s Syrup dumped all over it. Red wine is still very, very good for my poor heart. Cork or screw top, doesn’t matter at this point. Look, people — when the world is going to end soon, you can’t be picky about what KIND of wine is best. In an emergency, all wines are winners. Even the white ones.

 

 

WHAT IF WE AREN’T HERE TODAY?

Another blogger named Maggie created an End of Days Bucket List, which I found quite inspirational. She speaks of drinking to the point of *drunk*, of which I highly approve, given what’s coming down the pipe. She also says she’ll “get” her husband a Ferrari; admit her undying love to a celebrity; and allow her children to gorge themselves silly. There are also horses and a strange Magnum, P.I. mention that I found oddly hawt.

 

I think Maggie is on the right track. So if you aren’t reading this, it must mean you aren’t here today after all — which likewise means the apocalypse has in fact come to pass (just later in the day than expected) — in which case I am going to go find this lady because she sounds like a right good time. If I’m going down without my hubz here to protect me, I may as well go for a joy ride with a quasi-Tom Selleck-look-alike, snarf down a butt load of chocolate Santas, and get completely and irresponsibly toasted. What say ye?

 

Oh, that’s right. You’re not here today. Never mind.

Choosing the Right Food for your Pet

Posted on by
1

Many people have questions about…

Choosing the right food for your pet (Dog or Cat)

  • What is the BEST pet food on the market?
    natures variety instinct

  • Should I go with organic pet foods?
  • Is Raw Feeding a good option?
  • Should I feed dry kibble or canned food?
  • What are the benefits of higher end pet foods over your grocery brands?
There are many different reasons to buy all types of pet foods on the market and with so many choices available to the consumer, the decision can be quite daunting. My general rule of thumb is to tell my customers and friends to look at the first five ingredients on the bag that they are considering.

What are the benefits of higher end pet foods over your grocery brands?

There are many reasons to buy this pet food vs. that one. My biggest pet peeve is seeing someone pick up a bag of low end dog food (also known as grocery dog food). These foods include things like Dog Chow, Pedigree, Alpo and probably the worst one I see of all is Ol’ Roy.

The reason you should avoid the grocery pet foods on the market are as follows:

  • They use low end grains as their biggest ingredient source.
  • Your pet will have to eat nearly twice as much of a low end food as they would of a high end pet food.
  • For the same cost (once you work out cost per feeding) you can be feeding your pet something that will improve their health and well-being.
Most of what goes into your “grocery” pet foods is junk and it passes straight through your pet without any nutritional value. That means that most of what goes into the grocery brands gets pooped right back out by your pet without having done a thing for them. Higher end pet foods are much easier for your animals to process and thus get utilized by their systems much more effectively.
What this means to you:
  • Less waste to clean up
  • Less food to feed
  • Better skin and coat
  • Better overall well-being for your pet

First five ingredients

blue buffalo wilderness cat

What should you be looking for in those first five ingredients anyway? A real meat in the first slot is always a good start. Make sure that there are no by-products in the top five ingredients on the bag.

Next, make sure that, if you’re buying a pet food with grains in it, there are no low end grains such as corn, wheat or soy in the first five ingredients (for that matter, try to keep these out of your pet foods altogether as they may cause allergy problems for your pets).

The top five ingredients aren’t the entire picture when it comes to the quality of a pet food, but they are a great starting point. That being said, manufacturers often will stuff lower end ingredients further down the list in order to fool a savvy consumer. Beware of ingredients, such as the lower end grains, sprinkled further down in the list but with different names. For example, you may run into something like this. Ingredients: Lamb, Barley, Ground Whole Grain Sorghum, Dried Beet Pulp, Soy, Corn, Corn Meal, Chicken Fat. — While the ingredients don’t look too bad, the soy and multiple listings of corn higher (but not high enough to cause alarm to someone reading the first five) show that the main ingredients are probably corn and soy instead of the meat source.

Everyone is scared of preservatives!

I’m going to keep this section brief and just list some preservatives to be sure and avoid.

BHA (Butylated Hydroxysanisole)

BHT (Butylated Hydroxytoluene)

Ethoxyquin, TBHQ (Tertiary Butylhydroquinone)

Sodium Metabisulphite 

So, what are the best pet foods on the market?

innova dog food

There are so many different ways to answer that and many of those answers depend on what the specific needs of your particular pet entail. Short of going into every possible “good food”, I’m going to list some good starting points for both Dog and Cat foods available on the market.

Generally speaking, my top three that I recommend are:

There are some that I am leaving off that people will argue about. One food in-particular that I love, but didn’t add to the list is Origen/Acana. Most of the foods that I have left off the list are foods that will be harder to find for most people. My top three picks were based on ability to find and quality of the products.

Should I go with organic pet foods?

natural balance organic formula

This one is a brief answer to me. If you live an organic lifestyle and want to feed your pet organic pet food, then do it. Organic pet foods have great ingredients and no risk of having any of the bad preservatives that you should avoid. That being said, nutritionally speaking, these foods aren’t really any better than your non-organic pet foods (the top of the line brands anway).

Is Raw Feeding a good option?

natures variety raw food

Raw feeding is an excellent option. Just make sure if you are going to go this route that you do the research required to give your pet a well balanced diet. There are some over the counter raw feeding diets which would take a lot of the guess-work out of it for you. Natures Variety has a line of raw food that you can buy in a store. I know there are other companies that sell this as well, but Natures Variety is the most prominent and accessible. Some of the benefits of feeding a raw diet are that they will get more nutrients in their food that would not be available in processed kibble or canned food; the raw diet has moisture built into the diet to help avoid problems such as urinary tract issues; and the selling point for most consumers on a raw diet is the fact that this is much closer to what your pet would be eating in the wild.

Should I feed dry kibble or canned food?

My suggestion is to feed a little of both. Dry kibble helps break up plaque on your pet’s teeth and is obviously easier to store as well as easier to feed to your animals. Canned foods, on the other hand, provide moisture in their diet that they may be severely lacking. Many animals do not drink enough water and a canned diet is one way to supplement that problem. There are also some vets that believe the canned foods cause your animal to lick their chops a lot more than if they were eating dry kibble and therefore is good for their teeth as well.

What now?

cat and mouse poster

Now it’s time to go out and ask questions. There is more knowledge about pet food than I could ever share in one post. Start at your local pet food retailer and start asking questions. Many of the people that work in these establishments are very knowledgeable about pet nutrition and will be able to direct you to a food that will be right for your animal in particular.

If you do decide to switch your pet’s food, make sure that you give your pet a couple of weeks to transition. Don’t just throw the new food down and let them eat it, or you’re bound to give yourself more problems than you want. Most of the time when someone says they didn’t like a pet food, it was because their dog/cat had diarrhea or gas. This can simply be a cause of switching their food. Also, it usually takes about a month before you start seeing the full benefits of a food, so let it run its course before you decide whether or not this new food is right for your pet.

Hopefully this article shed some light on pet nutrition for you. If you have questions on anything I didn’t cover, please leave me a comment and I will do my best to answer those questions for you.

Play Dates Are Ass

Posted on by
6

play datesMy good friend Jesse (as opposed to my hubz Jesse) wrote an article for Parent Society called “I Hate Playdates”  which reminded me that I had wanted to write about that topic too. Because they seriously tick me off!

 

I would find this tedious fad annoying enough if it didn’t actually impact me on a personal level. But unfortunately, it does. Because here’s what’s happening.

 

These adorable teachers barely past drinking age are so young they think play dates are the norm. They don’t realize it’s a newer, trendy thing, and that kids got on just fine before organized play was introduced to our lives.

 

So now these adorable teachers think that my daughter, who plays just fine on her own, thank you very much, needs more play dates. Why?

 

Because being content with yourself is somehow not mentally normal. You’re supposed to WANT to fit in with the other kids REALLLY bad. You’re supposed to NEED their group approval. And my daughter just wasn’t into that game. She just wanted to play with her fucking cars, you know?

 

school desk

Purchase this desk from my Amazon store. Click the image for more details!

In kindergarten, it was suggested she see the school counselor on a weekly basis to learn how to make friends. They were VERY SERIOUSLY concerned that she wasn’t walking up to other kids and begging to join their clicks. You’d think they could see a school shooting coming up in the next few weeks if they didn’t get her fixed NOW!

 

The irony? She was happy whether other kids were around or not. If others approached her, she gladly allowed them into whatever game she’d set up for herself. By the end of the school year, she finally remembered most of the names of her classmates, but still — she just wasn’t overly concerned with making friends.

 

Furthermore, anytime we went out together in public, kids from school would wave from across the street, or run down the sidewalk to hug her, or shout “HI” from a distance. My daughter was uber-popular, and she didn’t even give a crap because she had better things to do.

 

When her kinder teacher suggested play dates, I wanted to smack her. Seriously. Because I followed that up with a question I doubt she’d considered: “How do I go about setting up play dates?”

 

I'm With Stupid

I’m With Stupid pillowcase available at my Amazon store. Click the image for more details!

She looked at me like I’m stupid. Because obviously I must know everyone in town and have all their names and phone numbers taped to my fridge and entered on my speed dial. “Just call some parents and see if they want to get together,” she suggested helpfully.

 

So I pursued this, because it was so obvious she had no idea WTF my life is like. “May I have some parents’ phone numbers, please?”

 

She looked extremely perplexed. How on earth, she must be thinking, could it be possible that I don’t have any phone numbers for the other parents?

 

I saved her the trouble of asking such a delicate question. “I didn’t grow up in this town. I don’t know anybody’s phone number beyond the deli where we order pizza. I’m not friends with anyone around here. So to set up play dates, I’ll need to know how to go about getting in touch with other parents.”

 

No-brainer. She wasn’t allowed to help me out with that problem. Which shut her up. But I never stopped being pissed about it.

 

Because here’s the thing. I’m actually not bothered by having no friends in town. I am an indoors person, an introvert, a writer who is better with words that aren’t spoken.

 

Anti Republican

Buy this magnet at my Amazon store. Click the image for more details!

I’m not impressed with the humans populating this planet, and the ones in this town are for the most part Republican and very Christian. So it’s not like we’d get along much, because I don’t even clean up my mouth for my Republican Christian mama.

 

It’s not that I shun the people of this town. It’s that I’m content and satisfied to be with myself. I don’t need approval from others to dress in the same sweatpants I wore yesterday. I don’t give a rat’s ass if wearing flip-flops with the sweatpants I wore yesterday is tacky or anti-fashion. I don’t care if I haven’t worn makeup in over a week, and my zits are highly noticeable when I pick up my daughter from the bus stop.

 

I’M OKAY WITH ME.

 

And I love that my daughter seems to be okay with HER.

 

So I really resent the school making my daughter feel as though she isn’t “normal” because she doesn’t make friends the same way other kids do — the majority of whom are judgmental and clicky and as snotty as their moms.

 

But this isn’t about my daughter and her disinterest in making a ton of friends.

 

This is about play dates,

and all that they imply. If you don’t have play dates regularly…

 

1. You are a bad parent, stifling your child’s social growth.

 

2. You must be too busy and selfish to put your child first.

 

3. You’re setting up your child for a lifetime of friendlessness.

 

4. You are worthless because you obviously have no local friends.

 

5. Neither you, nor your child, will ever fit in here.

 

I take that shit personally. That is a lot of stigma you’re putting on an invention that only cropped up in the last ten years or so. Of course, that list is all hogwash. But still, it bugs me that, because I don’t have friends around town upon which to call and set up play dates, I must be a piece of shit parent and, even worse, an overall piece of shit person.

 

Fuck you and your stupid fucking play dates, okay?

I’m not doing it. Your social bullshit can go piss up a wet rope. I’ll not be bullied by your concept of good parenting. Not when I’ve already seen signs of how your precious angels turn out. (Spoilers: They are snotty brats.)

 

Here are the main reasons I think play dates are ass:

 1. Setting up these appointments for my daughter is teaching her that she can’t make friends on her own, and that I’m responsible for picking out whom she can or can’t play with.

 

2. At this point in my life, I’m not overly interested in making new friends “just because” their kid is in my kid’s class.

 

3. Even if I don’t have to REALLY be friends with the playdate parent, I’d still have to sit through painful conversation. I’m done with that shit. That part of my life is over.

 

4. I am not about purposely setting myself up for judgment. Other parents my age are very high school mentality. They want to compare shoes and purses. Not interested, thanks.

 

5. I’m convinced play dates are an extension of the churchy movement. After all, that’s where you make most of your local friends, right? And I don’t go to church, so there it is. I guess if I “get right with God” I will be granted those phone numbers I so desperately need in order for my child to make friends.

 

Now that my daughter is in second grade, she has the social thing down — much better than I ever did. But she is still just fine playing by herself. Or reading a book. Or writing a story. Or drawing a picture. And these skills are way more important than fitting in.

 

I can’t wait for the playdate fad to pass into history like mix-matched earrings.

StumbleUpon SuperUser Tactics

Posted on by
5

stumbleuponStumbleUpon is one of the greatest (and most under-utilized) tools in the social media arsenal. Today I’m going to cover the “dos and don’ts” of StumbleUpon.

5 Things you SHOULD do if you want to get more stumbles on your own posts on StumbleUpon:

  1. DO Stumble at least 15 pages a day randomly from their “Stumble” button. Preferably more, because if they see that you are an active user who contributes to the community, your stumbles will be given a lot more credit.

  2. DO Stumble pages that you want to “thumbs up” in between other “thumbs down” and change up how often you “thumbs up” and “thumbs down”. So for example a normal stumbling session of multiple pages would work like this… go to the page I want to “thumbs up” and give it a “thumbs up”, hit stumble button twice, both times “thumbs down” (unless you just really love the page), then go to another page that you want to “thumbs up”, now hit the stumble button 3 times and “thumbs down” those pages (make it random – if they see a pattern in your “ups” and “downs” you won’t be as highly rated a user). Ideally if you have the time and really want to be a “super-user” you would “thumb up” and “thumb down” a lot more and you would rate the pages by what you really think of them, not just to garner hits on a specific website.

  3. DO comment on posts through StumbleUpon’s comment section. This shows StumbleUpon that you are doing more than quickly scanning through the pages and will ultimately help your user rating in their eyes.

  4. DO use the Google Reader “Next button” to inter-mix blogs you follow between your normal StumbleUpon session. (I will explain this process better in the video below.)

  5. DO add friends that share interests on StumbleUpon and start adding blogs you enjoy (that you discover at StumbleUpon) to your Google Reader so that you can stumble their posts with your other friends, especially if you find a “friend” that will reciprocate your “thumbs up”.


Social media management for exceptional companies

5 Things you SHOULD NOT do if you want to get more stumbles on your own posts on StumbleUpon:

  1. You SHOULD NOT “thumbs up” all of your own posts. StumbleUpon will figure out what you are doing, especially if those are the only pages you are liking! Also, you get a lot more traffic if someone else stumbles your post first.

  2. You SHOULD NOT spam your friends on StumbleUpon by sending them posts constantly. It is okay to send a post out to them on occasion if it is really special, but when you flood your friend’s inbox on StumbleUpon with a new post or two every day, you’re more likely to get dropped as a friend than have them “thumbs up” your post.

  3. You SHOULD NOT only “thumb up” posts. StumbleUpon wants to know that you are using their service to rate websites that you like AND dislike. If you only ever like posts, they will see this and it will diminish your StumbleUpon awesome-ness!

  4. You SHOULD NOT “thumb up” posts simply because the other user reciprocates a “thumb up”. Make sure you are exchanging likes with bloggers or website owners that you respect and actually follow. Liking someone’s post who automatically reciprocates has immediate benefits, but if you start gaining fans to your StumbleUpon account, they will not like to see that you just stumbled a picture of some guy farting on a pink poodle while playing a ukulele.

  5. You SHOULD NOT cater your blog to gain StumbleUpon likes only. There are many blogs that only cater to StumbleUpon users by putting some funny or cute picture right on top just to gain “thumbs up”. While this is effective at getting your post stumbled, it does not add to the quality of your blog and it will not gain new readers. Most people are liking your post based on five or less seconds of viewing it and then moving on. You want your post to be relevant and you want it to get stumbled because of good content.

    These are just a few tips I wanted to share with everyone about StumbleUpon and how to make using it a little easier. I hope you enjoyed the post and please let me know if you have any questions or if you found this helpful! Also, be sure to add us as a friend on StumbleUpon by visiting our profile and following us at —> http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/theworld4realz  

A Guide to Living With Zombies

Posted on by
1

zombies

I am so excited about this post today! First, because it is about Zombies, which is fkn awesome. Second, because it provides excellent tips on Zombie survival. And third — the best reason of all — it is brought to you by a really funny blogger, my new friend The Anon Bloggers. You should def. run and check out Anon’s great material because it will keep you smiling — Promise! More info is provided at the end of this fabulous post — my very first guest post (the Hubz doesn’t count cuz he’s all like married to me and whatnot.) Thanks, Anon!!! :)

Zombies, the undead living creatures that feast on human brains. Some might think that zombies are born with the appetite for brains, but it actually originated by mistake. One zombie was reading a health journal, which said that “bran” was good for the digestive system, but he misread it as “brains,” and it was passed down for generation to generation until now. It’s a tradition. And what a wonderful tradition it is.

 

However, many people recently have told me about the upcoming zombie apocalypse, where zombies take over the world and kill everyone. Even some media supports this. This is preposterous for many reasons:

 

  1. Zombies are alive, and an apocalypse would mean everything is dead, so as long as the zombies exist, no apocalypse.
  2. When zombies bite a human, the human is turned into a zombie. As said above, zombies are alive, so no humans will die in the process.
  3. By the time zombies start wreaking havoc on more victims, the zombie vaccine will probably be perfected, so there is nothing to worry about.
  4. Zombies feed on brains, and I can think of quite a few people in the world who are missing those ;)

 

If you are afraid of getting attacked by a zombie, here are a few precautions you can take:


SpiritHalloween.com

  1. Wear and eat a lot of garlic. Zombies hate it.
  2. Carry a stake around. Zombies will die with a stake through the heart.
  3. Carry a flashlight around and stay in the sun. Zombies hate light.
  4. Hang out with a werewolf. Werewolves and zombies are natural enemies.

 

Oh wait! That’s the list for vampires. Here’s the zombie list of precautions:

 

  1. If you see a zombie, run as fast as you can the other way.

 

I hope this has helped you understand a little better your neighbors from beyond the grave.

 

-The Anon Blogger