This week marked my daughter’s first roller skating event of the school year. Once a month grades K-5 meet up at the rink and spend two hours trying not to fall all over each other. It’s not the worst way to spend an evening. We usually sit on the benches and watch her move around the others with a grace I cannot grasp.
“Mom, you guys have to skate with me this time. It will be SO. MUCH. FUN.”
Oh, shit. I haven’t been on skates in over 20 years, and I’m not the same spread I was back then, to say the least.
“Seriously? Don’t you want to roller skate with your friends?”
“Yes,” said she, already warming up for the next part of her answer. “But I want to skate with YOU, too. Pleeeeeeeeeease?”
You can’t say “NO” when your kid begs you to go roller skating. So I reluctantly said “YES” and hoped for the best.
Next stop — convince the hubz that he, too, had to risk the rink.
As expected, the hubz wasn’t overly thrilled at the idea either. But he can’t turn the baby down any more than I can. So we buckled up, buckled down, and set off for a terrifying evening, anticipating broken hips or at least sprained ankles.
Here’s what neither of us grownups expected: Roller skating is a shit-ton of fun, once you get your legs under you.
Admittedly, we spent the first half-hour trying not to fall on our collective asses, keeping out of the kids’ way, hugging the wall and frequently grabbing the bar for dear life.
But once we found our balance, we were able to make a few circles around the rink “hands free”. It was so funny to have my little girl roller skating next to me with encouraging words:
“You’re doing it, Mom!”
“I must be a great teacher, because you’re doing really good!”
“Ah, you made it around ALL BY YOURSELF, Mom. I’m so proud of you!”
At one point in the evening she and I held hands and rolled around the rink like we knew what we were doing. Another time I skated hand-in-hand with the hubz, which was romantic good times but almost ended in disaster. And toward the end of the evening, we did a family ring around the loop, blocking anyone who wanted to pass as we rolled along side-by-side.
Lesson Learned: Roller Skating = BEST. NIGHT. EVER.
Like so many things in life, however, nothing can go off without a hitch. After all — it’s all fun and games till someone loses an eye. Or something along those lines.
The hubz fell a couple times, because he insisted on wearing roller BLADES. That’s what he had when he was a kid, so he just assumed it would be fine. He was wrong. And also? One of the times he fell, he split his pants.
Is everyone out there thinking, “OMG, thank ZEUS that wasn’t me!” Because that’s what I was thinking.
Lesson Learned: If you haven’t been roller skating since you were 12, and if you are now at least 20 years beyond that age, don’t be smug and think you can just pick it right back up. Wear a regular pair of roller skates. And also? Wear shorts. They are less likely to split in a crash to the ground.
I’m lucky. I never fell once, and my clothing stayed intact. However, at one point, I roller skated off to one side where there weren’t any other people, because I seriously had to let one rip. That’s right. I farted at the roller rink. Nobody heard me. And the wind of my forward wheeling motion should have taken care of any tragic scents.
Not so. Apparently farts follow you when you are roller skating. Who knew? Oh well, no bigs.
Except that the hubz chose that moment to check up on me, disrupting the nice waft of fart breeze I had been attempting to dispel.
“You okay?” he started to ask. Then his face wrinkled and his arms did windmills as he tried to learn backwards skating on the fly.
“Oh, Jesus, Darling. What the fuck!”
And then he rolled away as quickly as possible. Yeah, nobody could guess from his reaction what he had endured, I’m sure. *rolls eyes*
Thanks for that, Babes. I will get even.
Lesson Learned: Don’t fart while roller skating.
I guess in retrospect I should have known that. Because really? That sentence shouldn’t have to be said. Sometimes I have to learn things the hard way.
No aches and pains, so we have decided henceforth to always join in the fun, so long as baby girl will allow. We know there will come a time when our company is no longer welcome, so for now, we’re just grateful she wants to hold our hands and share in the laughter.
Lesson Learned: My family is pretty fucking terrific, and I am amazingly happy.