This is going out during the Holiday Season, when everyone will be visiting restrooms at other people’s houses, but really my complaints apply year-round. I mean, unless you have IBS, you probably shit more than once a year, right? You might even pee-pee once or twice in the coming months. So if you own a restroom, and if you even think there is a slight possibility that someone else may use it, LISTEN UP.
RESTROOMS NEED THINGS INSIDE OF THEM BESIDES A FUCKING TOILET.
It’s true. A toilet will get you by, but there are a few other items which you probably want to have at the ready, especially if you think a female human could pop in for a howdy-doodle. And by “howdy-doodle”, I mean waste removal.
Really, there are only three things (BESIDES A FUCKING TOILET) you will require. I’m broke-ass-poor, and even I adhere to these items. If I can do it, you can too. If you’re a man, pay attention, because this shit matters. If you’re a woman, and you don’t already have this shit at the ready, I kind of want to slap your face off your head — so you pay attention, too. That way if I ever cross your path, your eyeballs can stay firmly in place, and you won’t have to pick them up off the ground.
RESTROOMS NEED TOILET PAPER.
This should probably go without saying, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to use someone’s restroom and the person in line ahead of me took the last square without being polite enough to let the host know. Now, since I’m a woman, it’s less of a big deal if I have to get the host’s attention. After all, women need toilet paper for ALL SORTS OF THINGS.
— Wiping my ass after pooping.
— Wiping my crotch after peeing.
— Wiping a booger from my nose.
— Wiping eye makeup from my wrinkles.
— Wiping up any number of other gross girly messes. Yep, I’m going there. Sorry, but this is a post about restrooms. What did you expect?
Since it’s not obvious why a woman might need toilet paper, society has deemed it okay for a woman to ask for more. But when a man asks for toilet paper, there’s only one thing he needs it for.
Dude just took a shit and needs to wipe his hairy ass.
— Men don’t wipe after peeing.
— Men use their fingers to wipe boogers from their nose.
— Men don’t typically wear eye makeup.
— Men don’t have girly messes.
I don’t really want to KNOW that a guy has taken, is taking, or will take a shit. There is no need for me to think about any man’s asshole, and what is coming out of it, ever.
So please, for all that be good in this world, keep toilet paper stocked up in your restroom. And by “stocked up” I mean more than just one roll. One roll will run out, and then the restroom user will be forced to scavenge your cabinets for more. An empty toilet paper roll is an invitation for privacy invasion. If I can get away with NOT asking for more TP, and replace the roll myself, I am definitely going into your cabinets without asking.
RESTROOMS NEED A TRASHCAN WITH A TRASH BAG.
Most of the restrooms I have visited contain a trashcan, I am happy to say. It’s true, a few of them don’t, and I hate those people. If you read this, and continue to NOT have a trashcan in your restroom, let it be clear that we will never be friends.
If you’re a dude, it’s slightly forgivable, because while you’re being dense and insensitive and just basically stupid-headed, it probably never occurred to you that women might have “something” to throw away. Maybe a snot rag, maybe a sullied feminine product.
I told you I was going there. This is a post about RESTROOMS, people. Get over it.
Sadly, I have visited a few restrooms, owned by women even, which are lacking in trashcans. This I cannot fathom. Do these ladies not menstruate? And, can I please get on THAT wagon? Seriously.
Assuming these female humans DO menstruate… how the fuck do they take care of their business? Do they carry it across the house when they’re finished and throw it into the kitchen trash? Or do they just flush every single thing, even though clearly you are not supposed to flush most of that junk? You know what. Forget these questions. I just now decided that I really DON’T want to know what they do. They seem gross and/or stupid to me.
Now that we have our trashcans in the restroom, ladies and gentlemen, let’s put trash bags into those bad boys! That way whoever has to remove the disgusting garbage later doesn’t accidentally leave any grody-ness in the can itself.
RESTROOMS NEED HAND TOWELS.
Look, I’m not even going so far as to say you need soap. That would be nice, and I certainly do prefer it. But you know what? I’m going bare minimum here, because I don’t want to put you out overly much. So let’s say you skip the hand soap. I can still run my hands under the faucet and rinse them with hot water. Right? After all, I keep some anti-bacterial hand gel in my purse.
But after I rinse my hands, I should be able to dry them on something other than my pants. There are three hand towel issues I seem to experience frequently, and I hate them all.
a. No hand towel at all. WTF is wrong with you people? Oh, I see — you use the towel you took a shower with earlier today. Fair enough. It’s your own body that got rubbed all over it, so I don’t have beef with you doing that.
What’s that you say? You want *ME* to dry my hands on the same towel you rubbed all over your crotch, asshole, and feet? NO, THANK YOU.
b. A hand towel that is so crisp it was obviously hung just for this particular occasion. It’s so gorgeous and sparkling white, I’m guessing it’s only for decoration. At least, that would be my assumption based on the fact that 500-krillion people came in here before me, and that bitch is still sterile-looking. I’ll be god damned if I’m the first to ruin its pristine appearance! So, where is your FOR REALZ hand towel, please?
c. A hand towel that is so disgusting it has obvious hung there for a couple months. And it’s damp, which means someone recently used it anyway. Thank goodness I carry hand gel in my purse. Did I already mention that? Because — *ugh*. That is grody to the max.
Now that you have a decent hand towel in place, make sure you have extras. Otherwise, I might be tempted to look in your cabinets again. Just sayin’.
RESTROOMS AREN’T FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE, PEOPLE.
1. Keep toilet paper VISIBALY stocked up in your restroom.
2. Keep a trashcan with a trash bag in your restroom.
3. Keep a normal, clean hand towel with VISIBLE replacements in your restroom.