Today I am appearing on a terrific personal finance blog called Budgeting in the Fun Stuff. Crystal is posting my profile as part of a series wherein her readers outline their economic status along with goals, family set-up, and other thought-provoking demographics. Be sure to check it out — it’s been really interesting to see how her readers lie across the spectrum from one extreme to the other.
Lest you feel forgotten,
however, the hubz suggested I leave you with at least a small post here at “home” on my bloggy-blog. With that in mind, and given our recent “guest” earlier this week, I thought I’d leave you with a nice “How To” list. YOU’RE WELCOME.
How to Pass a Home Inspection
1. Don’t be a crack-head. As a matter of fact, you should avoid doing any illegal drugs at all. Number 1 on this list really just assumes you aren’t a douche bag of some sort, and that you have your shit together mentally. If you do drugs or are a complete a-hole, skip this list and assume you are losing your child. It’s better for all parties involved.
2. Definitely have My Little Ponies, giraffes, and unicorns set up next to your Keurig K-cup spinny-rack thing. It means your kitchen isn’t uptight, that your child helps you cook, and that you don’t take your coffee too seriously. Make sure the side of the rack holding green tea or decaf is displayed; keep the dark roast or other “hard stuff” like REV turned toward the back.
RELIGION & INSURANCE.
3. & 4. Yep, this one’s a two-fer. You should definitely have something religious-ish displayed — not too much or you’ll come across as a Bible-thumping freak-a-zoid, but a nice magnet on your fridge should do nicely. As long as you’re getting magnets in place, go ahead and find that one you got with your new medical insurance cards. This shows you take your responsibility as a caregiver seriously. And that you have a plan beyond dialing 9-1-1. And also that you have insurance set up in the first place. Oh, and that you actually know where your cards are located.
PUT YOUR KID’S ART EVERYWHERE.
5. You should definitely have a computer or laptop of some nature, so the inspector knows you are connected to the world beyond your little crappy house. But you don’t want it to appear you spend all your time playing Bejeweled or Diablo 3, so tape a picture of that ghost your kid drew for you to the stack or the front of your laptop — somewhere it can be easily seen.
6. While you’re at your desk, locate that picture your sweet pea drew declaring you the BEST PARENT EVER. The reason for this should be obvious, and if it isn’t, well there’s nothing I can do to help you, and you might as well assume you are going to fail the inspection.
7. Have the project you and your child are currently working on sitting out at the table as though you just got interrupted in the middle of planning the next paint stroke. Then you can say with a chuckle, “Oh, sorry about the mess — we were just painting, heh heh.” It helps if you’re telling the truth, because your kid will totally call you out if HELLO, you were NOT in actuality just painting.
8. Have an art center set up — a small table and chair that is just for your child, no grown-ups allowed. This should be a complete and utter wreckage to prove its daily use. We’re talking paper cut up everywhere, crayons, pencils, the whole she-bang. Place this center right next to your gigantic aquarium. I don’t care if you only have gold fish. Art and fish are great for home inspections.
9. You should have books piled in every room. They should be stacked on shelves, under tables, next to beds, lying on dressers, splayed on coffee tables, and displayed on your wall as art. A book-ish family is a family that reads, and a family that reads is not ignorant and tends to know good words and how to string them together properly, and a family who can do these kinds of things has no reason for an inspection in the first place so it’s obvious this whole stupid thing is just a fucking farce. OH MY. Did I rant just then? Sorry. So yeah, get books.
10. Make it clear that germs are not welcome in your home. Don’t go overboard, or you’ll come off as one kook I used to know who cleaned so much it was freaking ridiculous and I’m pretty sure she was OCD about it. You aren’t going for OCD here. You’re going for, “Wash up for dinner, darlings!” and “Oh, that looks icky, go use some hand sanitizer!”, and “There seem to be a lot of colds going around currently, so I’ll just spray some Lysol to disinfect everything!” You should also dust and vacuum, and have a lack of STINKY-NESS in your home. No overly poo-poo litter boxes. No gigantic piles of dirty laundry. No overflowing toilets. Come on, work with me here. Just don’t be stupid, you know.
Hopefully you are an awesome parent like me,
and this stuff was already in place because HELLO, that’s how your house looks on a daily basis. If you don’t have MLPs (or the male equivalent) in your kitchen, you are a shitty parent and I hope a house falls on you. Good bye.
Now don’t forget to check me out at Budgeting in the Fun Stuff.