WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE TODAY?
Okay, the fact that you’re even reading this is a bunch of bullshit, because it means that December 21, 2012 came and went with nary an apocalypse.
You are here today on the interwebz, scrolling and trolling and just generally going about your business as usual. I must say, you are boring, my friends. I was expecting — nay, anticipating! — mayhem. But my mail carrier was here today, dropping off packages like zombies weren’t chasing his ass, and my neighbor was here today, building more shit in his backyard as though his garden isn’t about to be trodden by looters.
MY HUBZ WAS NOT HERE TODAY.
…because he had to go to work. Yeah, Corporate America was here today, too. Bastards. They could have had the decency to let employees have the day off… just in case. But no — greed of the many always triumphs over personal survival. DUH.
My hubz works an hour away. Maybe you’re reading this in the morning, and the End of Days has not yet begun. That means he will have to fight his way over miles and miles to get back home to me. It’s just too far, when there are no horses to steal. I’m assuming, of course, that cars will automatically be stalled out and gas tanks will be on empty and auto pile-ups will be a naturally growing phenomenon.
So if my hubz gives up on returning home, and can’t be here today with me when I need him most, where will he hide? There are a number of fast food joints near his location of employment, but I think that’s a bad, bad plan. That’s where all the hungry people will go first, so cannibals will simply have their pick of the yummiest, fattest brains.
I can’t even think about it. You know what, babes? I’m sorry, but you’re on your own over there in that other city, millions of miles away. Unless you find a horse, in which case get your ass home and protect us.
GUESS WHO ELSE WAS HERE TODAY!
I’m really dismayed about this one.
I got a phone call from my attorney. So then lawyers made it through the wilderness. Somehow, they made it through. (That was a Madonna reference, in case you didn’t catch it, young ones.) Yep, the legal system is still here today. They will probably still be here even after the cockroaches have gone the way of the dinosaurs.
But even before that, my daughter got on the bus to head off to school. So that means all of Farmersville and Germantown are here today — along with the education department. I wasn’t expecting that. They take days off for heavy fog, or sheets of ice on the road. I really thought they’d let the kids sit this one out.
BASICALLY, THE WHOLE EFFING WORLD IS HERE TODAY.
Nothing has changed. Assholes still run the planet. The rich are still being mean, selfish jerk-faces. The poor still can’t dig themselves out the hole. The NRA still thinks guns are fun and that we should all have bullets galore and that somehow (even he hasn’t hardly touched the subject, even now) Obama wants to take away our 2nd Amendment rights. Westboro Baptist Church is still full of loons. My parents are still Republican (I’m sorry). My sister is still sitting the fence (but at least she’s not Republican). Facebook still sucks major donkey balls.
On the flip side, Doublestuff Oreos are still the shizzle. My daughter’s hugs are still the warmest ray of sunshine on the planet. My son’s laughter is still the best sound to my ears. The caress of my hubz is still the best butterflies-in-my-tummy feeling. Cookies-n-Cream ice cream still needs Hershey’s Syrup dumped all over it. Red wine is still very, very good for my poor heart. Cork or screw top, doesn’t matter at this point. Look, people — when the world is going to end soon, you can’t be picky about what KIND of wine is best. In an emergency, all wines are winners. Even the white ones.
WHAT IF WE AREN’T HERE TODAY?
Another blogger named Maggie created an End of Days Bucket List, which I found quite inspirational. She speaks of drinking to the point of *drunk*, of which I highly approve, given what’s coming down the pipe. She also says she’ll “get” her husband a Ferrari; admit her undying love to a celebrity; and allow her children to gorge themselves silly. There are also horses and a strange Magnum, P.I. mention that I found oddly hawt.
I think Maggie is on the right track. So if you aren’t reading this, it must mean you aren’t here today after all — which likewise means the apocalypse has in fact come to pass (just later in the day than expected) — in which case I am going to go find this lady because she sounds like a right good time. If I’m going down without my hubz here to protect me, I may as well go for a joy ride with a quasi-Tom Selleck-look-alike, snarf down a butt load of chocolate Santas, and get completely and irresponsibly toasted. What say ye?
Oh, that’s right. You’re not here today. Never mind.