This year, each member of my family has asked for a PONY on their Holiday Wish List. If you ask for the pony, you might get the roller skates, so always be sure to include one impossible item on your wish list. Plus? You never know — someday you might actually GET the pony, and BOY won’t you be glad you asked for it then!
Here is my Holiday Wish List:
- Black boots that fit over my giant fucking calves
- A fancy-pants set of scales that will hold up to massive amounts of unwarranted abuse
- Hair color — I’m talking about a day at the salon getting my hair dyed blue-n-purple (Hoorayz for me! I received a gift card for my bday so all I have to do is call in an appointment.)
- Pedicure — because talking about the spa reminded me how much a love those vibrate-y chairs that massage you ALL. FUCKING. OVER. And also cuz my feets need a good scrubbin’.
- A replacement Keurig
- A housekeeper. All that other shit on my list? Roller skates. This is my fucking pony.
Here is my 8yo daughter’s Holiday Wish List:
Computer (obviously a pony)
- Happy Feet 2
- Cell phone (definitely a pony)
- Blue camera (she already has a camera which is NOT blue, so I’m sorry but NO, this is a pony)
- Sorry sliders (this one is tricky — it’s a reasonable request except that I can’t find it anywhere for under $45, which bumps it from roller skates to pony by proxy)
- Bigger purse
- Hello Kitty alarm clock for her other dad’s house (I’ll be passing this request along because I don’t think I should have to furnish her other room and she already has one at this house, which means this is a… pony)
- Kitten (pony)
- More fish for our aquarium
- Bike (pony, although maybe the Easter Bunny will be more generous than Santa)
- Bowling shoes & bowling ball
- Gumball machine (I hate these things because they always break and make gumballs roll all over the floor — so pony)
- Rainbow Fish Memory Game (another reasonable request which is relegated to the pony category because apparently it’s no longer made and thus costs 500-krillion dollars)
- Firefly catcher and magnifying glass
- Moshi Monsters game for the DS
- More Skylander guys — accompanied with an entirely separate list of the specific guys she “needs”. Oh, I see.
This isn’t to say she won’t be getting anything on her list, but as you can see, my daughter requests an awful lot of ponies.
Here is my 19yo son’s Holiday Wish List:
Disney movies which are currently “in the vault” (those bitches are uber expensive! Whether he knew it or not, this is definitely a pony!)
- More superhero movies (AVENGERS, AMAZING SPIDERMAN, etc.)
- The book WARM BODIES by Isaac Marion, because my son is awesome and wants to read the novel before seeing the movie.
- A stopwatch to track runs and other exercise-ish types of things.
- More exercise-ish types of things. Always clear with his requests (probably a pony)
- Another tattoo (pony) or another ear piercing (roller skates)
- Halo 4 and Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 (sorry if I got those titles or numbers wrong; if you play then you know what the hellz I’m trying to say, and if you DON’T play, then it really doesn’t matter anyway.)
- Money to help with tuition and textbooks
You’d think a shorter Holiday Wish List would make my life easier. It didn’t.
Here is my hubz’ Holiday Wish List:
A vinyl-to-mp3 converter thingy. I probably got that wrong, but what I’m trying to say is, a thingy on which to play actual, for realz, records, which is able to then make the tracks go onto the computer so that we can add them into iTunes. My hubz has several hundred vinyl records, so this is a valid request. But still, obviously a pony, right?
It’s the only thing he asked for. He got his fucking pony. But trust — my hubz isn’t getting any goddamn roller skates!
What ponies have you or your children requested from Santa this year? I’d love to find out that my family isn’t the only one that engages in asking for ridiculous gifts! Tell me all about YOUR Holiday Wish List…