Halloween is always one of the worst times of year for me. Not because I’m all anti-dressing-up, or anti-candy, or anti-trick-or-treating. I’m not anti- any of those things. I think they are great.
It’s just that school has only been back in session for a month, and suddenly I’m being inundated with calendar-related things. I used to be good at this stuff, but not so much anymore. It’s like I can’t quite keep dates straight.
I blame my medication. Why not? Seems fair. Something that is supposed to help keep me on a more even keel has also made me more of a ding-bat and less inclined to live by an agenda. That should be a good thing, right?
No. It’s a very, very bad thing.
It’s true that I no longer hate people quite as intensely as I used to. And I no longer lie in bed sobbing because this planet is so fucked up that I can’t possibly muster the energy to crawl out from under my afghan. And I yell a lot less often than ever before. True, true, and true.
But Jesus Christ. Now that I’m not hung up on every little detail, the details have gotten together and thrown a rave in my honor. And the little fuckers didn’t even invite me. It’s like I was told that I’m the designated driver for a party that happened LAST WEEKEND.
Not only didn’t I attend, and not only didn’t I partake of any drugs or alcohol, and not only didn’t I dance my ass off… I didn’t even freaking know it happened.
And going to a rave is on my Bucket List, yo. For realz.
So here’s what happens. Halloween is next week, and while my precious angel has a costume (thanks to her “other” parents), I yet again do NOT. Whatever. I’m too old to dress up and enjoy such things anyway, right? That’s what I tell myself anyway.
Halloween is too hard — Reason #1
I don’t have a costume.
But dressing up for an adults only Halloween party is ALSO on my Bucket List. I always wanted to go as that plug-n-socket couple. You know the one. Hopefully my clever hubz finds an image to go along here, in case you have no fucking clue what I’m talking about.
So Halloween is next week (yeah, I already said that, get off me, bitch!). WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Halloween is too hard — Reason #2
All those parties!
There’s a party at our local library TONIGHT. How the hellz did THAT happen? And yes, we have to go. Because every Thursday is library day at our house, so we’d be heading up there for books anyway.
And also? My daughter loves reading all the notices and she is the one who brought this particular party to my attention in the first place. We’re obligated to the max, assholes.
Halloween is too hard — Reason #3
Did I already mention the parties?
My daughter’s school Halloween party is THIS Friday. As in… TOMORROW.
Thank Zeus my mom is overly anxious to be involved and has been bugging the shit out of me to volunteer. We’re making mummy hands (doctor gloves shoved full of popcorn, hand complete with a spider ring adorning one of the fingers). Yay for my mom! She really saved my ass on this one!
Halloween is too hard — Reason #4
And then there’s family.
Saturday we’ll be at my parents’ house watching IT’S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWN, which is an annual event not to be missed. If you aren’t there, you’re stupid.
Unless you have a kid in competitive band, which is why my sister and her daughter won’t be in attendance.
Or unless you have some kind of work thing going on, which is why neither of our husbands will be in attendance.
Or unless you live like a krillion miles away, which is why the majority of you won’t be in attendance.
Otherwise, though, you’re stupid.
Because we eat chili dogs, and candy, and other exciting things. And there is also GARFIELD’S HALLOWEEN SPECIAL in which we all sing along to “What’ll I be? There’s so many sides to me — I could be an astronaut, a robot, a hobo, a clown or an alien creature goin’ out on the town—”
And you know what’s just sad? I didn’t have to look up those lyrics. That’s not copy-n-paste, you guys.
Halloween is too hard — Reason #5
Some days of the week are feeling left out.
So yeah, Thursday-Friday-Saturday. And it’s not even fucking Halloween yet. Help me.
But wait — there’s more.
Not on Sunday or Monday. Those days are apparently considered a “wash” in the Halloween madness.
Tuesday, though, is Beggar’s Night. Please, tell me one of you actually doesn’t know what this is, so I’m not alone. I had never heard such a stupid-ass, piece-of-shit, lame way to celebrate Halloween until I moved to Ohio.
Halloween is too hard — Reason #6
Beggar’s Night is dumb.
I’ma tell you what Beggar’s Night is.
It’s trick-or-treat, in disguise.
See, here’s what happens.
This year, as I’m sure has happened before in the past, Halloween-Actual falls on a WEDNESDAY.
So what? Who gives a shit? Right?
Well, normal thinking people don’t give a shit. But CHRISTIANS do. And they, apparently, have stolen Wednesday from us the same way they stole Sundays. I wouldn’t be surprised if we find, in the near future, that you can’t buy alcohol on Wednesdays, being such an arbitrivial holy day and whatnot.
Halloween is too hard — Reason #7
Christians won’t let us worship the devil in peace.
Maybe in YOUR state you can buy alcohol on Sundays, but not in Ohio. Oh, no. Not here. Me drinking a beer would interfere with someone’s stupid Sabbath or whatever.
Which is just hysterical, since the fucking Sabbath isn’t even ON SUNDAYS in the Bible. It’s on Saturday. I think. I might have skipped that chapter. Lemme get back to you.
Or no — YOU go read the Bible and tell me what you find. Chances are, we’ll all get it wrong anyway.
So anyway, we can’t celebrate all our devil-worshipping on Wednesday, any more than we could celebrate that shit on a Sunday. God only likes us to celebrate our devil-worshipping on certain days of the week. He is busy, too, you know.
So he pencils us in on another day. This year, we do our devil-worshipping / candy-grubbing / trick-or-treating on Tuesday. That’s a very evil day of the week, so we’re all safe to hold our Beggar’s Night then. And drink beer, too. Hopefully not at the same time, but hey — I’ve seen it done. This is God’s country, you know.
Halloween is too hard — Reason #8
Halloween-Actual is a letdown when it hits.
By the time Halloween-Actual hits on Wednesday, we’ll all be so fucking hung over from the candy, none of us will give a shit.
And then our spirits will be wide open for attack the following day, which in many Catholic countries is Day of the Dead.
Come-n-get me, baby.
PS. My hubz just informed me that you actually CAN purchase beer on Sundays in Ohio. From certain delis with certain licenses. Regardless, you still cannot buy wine. Which is the ONLY drink you ever hear Jesus chuggin’, so I’m not sure what that’s all about.
PPS. Also, if you live in a small town, shit closes at 5pm, if it’s open on Sunday at all. If you start your period unexpectedly on a Sunday night, you are FUCKED. Better lay in a supply of tampons for just such an emergency, ladies.