I am very excited about something I read recently, and I simply cannot wait to put it into practice on my own bloggy-blog. Of course, I will need some trolls to visit me before it will work, but I’m just trying to stay ahead of the game here. You never know when a troll will come a-knockin’, AmIRight?
So this is what happened.
There I was, reading John Scalzi’s blog Whatever like I sometimes do, and all of a sudden this post just fell out of my computer and into my brain. The post was called “The Kitten Setting” which is kind of a weird title, but stay with me. Here is how it starts:
“My friend Jenny Lawson (aka The Bloggess) has a comment policy, in which she reserves the right to take the postings of the most obnoxious trolls in her comment threads and change the words to something else entirely, subverting the message of the troll.”
You can see how this sort of thing would appeal to me, yes? Turning aggression into unicorn poop with feathers sounds like just what the doctor ordered. You know, if doctors were into prescribing fantasy-character therapy to people complaining about trolls. But look, people, this isn’t about me. This is about helping to make the world a better place by removing one shitty comment at a time. And also this might be about laughing at trolls. Because laughter is medicine. And doctors like to give people medicine.
See what I did there?
Why would John Scalzi need a new comment policy?
Because people are douches, that’s why. Apparently some ass-hat keeps reading his blog with the express purpose of becoming angry and belligerent. So when this ass-hat left one nasty comment too many, John was like, “Nah, man. Nah.” And then /// presto, change-o /// he magically turned the ass-hat’s comment into something more fun.
The original comment (paraphrased, according to John):
“WAAAAARGLEBAAARGLE LOTS OF SPITTLE AND JACKASSERY I THINK “LIBERAL” IS AN INSULT I MAY BE TWELVE SMELL MY MANLY ARMPITS”
And then the corrected / updated version:
“I love hearts and flowers and pretty bows! I could dance in sparkly showers all the day long! Fa la la la la la!”
Doesn’t that make your heart sing? It does mine. Can you hear it? My heart singing? It’s all chorus-y up in here. Listen to all the happy being flung about. There is a symphony of joy gettin’ it on.
But, doesn’t this new comment policy kind of trick other readers?
Okay, yeah. I can see that. So, if I ever see the need to engage in such fuckery, I will be sure to indicate that an edit has taken place. John calls his new comment policy “kittening” because some of his updates included imagery of the troll wishing to snuggle baby cats. I will refer to my new comment policy as “glittering” because, well, because FUCK YOU IF YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE, that’s why. So you might see a comment like this:
“Andi-Roo, you are one sick bitch, you liberal whore. Burn in hell!”
… changed, for example, to this:
“Per my comment policy, this troll-ish comment has been modified to include glitter: Andi-Roo, you are one hoopy frood, you glittery cheerleader. Climb rainbows!”
Tell me true: This new comment policy is fucking awesome, right?
Won’t that piss off the trolls?
Hopefully, yes. That’s the plan, anyway. I mean, if you are merely in disagreement with my stance on a particular subject, that’s one thing. I’m not going to worry over that. Nobody can be expected to be in my camp 100% of the time. That would make blogging pointless. I wouldn’t have anything to say if everyone already knew and agreed with all my wonderful musings.
I don’t intend to engage my glittering comment policy unless someone is just being outright mean. Don’t be a jack-wagon and you won’t have to fear my glittering unto you. As to whether or not you’re being a jack-wagon, John says it best:
“Who gets to make the call of who is being an asshole? I do.”
Right on, brother. This is my world, and you’re merely walking in it. Don’t piss on my glitter, yo.
Aren’t you kind of inviting troll-ish-ness?
Hm. That’s a fine question. It was pointed out by a bloggy friend of mine a while back when I wrote my post “Open Letter Invitation to Haterz” that I’m kind of being an asshole myself by actually looking forward to controversy and asking that sort of riffraff to come at me. That’s fair. I can see that.
But my bloggy friend, who has been blogging way longer than I have, seems to also be overlooking a fine point. Everyone in the blogosphere KNOWS that you haven’t made it big until you start attracting HATERZ. It’s a fact. I’m not making that shit up. And she knows this. First come the friends, then come the fans, and finally, the HATERZ take notice. It’s a three-step process.
It’s great that my friends read my blog (they don’t; most of them try to pretend we’ve never met, because I’m way too irreverent for their grownup lifestyles of boring maturity). Having fans is even more awesome, because it indicates you’re growing beyond those who already know you. I have fans, and I am happy of it. But HATERZ? That’s when you know you are doing something worthwhile — for realz — because you’re saying something that matters enough to make them not only think about it, but more: HATERZ who take the time to let you know how much they hate you are gifts from the great beyond. You impacted people both left AND right, both hither AND yon, both for AND against. Your voice is being heard by many.
Don’t underestimate this sad truth of blogging: Having HATERZ is proof / validation that your little bloggy-blog is getting some play.
So what’s YOUR comment policy?
Do you just ignore trolls? Or delete their meanie-pants comments? Or do you have a moderation thing in place wherein you just don’t approve it to see light of day? That happened to my hubz once and he was pretty pissed about it because his comment wasn’t even rude. Seriously. My hubz is pretty much NEVER rude. He’s that nice guy who used to be a Boy Scout (but not a gay-hating Boy Scout, because that would make him a motherfucker whom I could not abide. I don’t truck with folks who are anti-gay.). So anyway, he merely pointed out a differing perspective, politely, and his comment was never approved. Which is RUDE.
How do YOU deal with trolls / ass-hats / jack-wagons?