I’ve been reading blogs for a little over a year now, pretty heavily. It’s how I keep up with the world, read alternate perspectives, catch up on news, learn new writing tips, figure shit out, network, and decide who I want to be friends with. No, for realz.
If you write a stupid blog, I might still hang out with you. But we will avoid discussing your stupid blog.
If you write an awesome blog, I will def. hang out with. But I will harass you for insider tips. Because I wanna be awesome, too.
If you write a blog riddled with errors — not just the occasional typo, which I am prone to myself, from time to time — I will likely drop your ass like a hot potato. Because poor writing skills aren’t necessary for life (although I prefer them — but I do admit I’m a bit of an elitist snob), but they are certainly necessary if you’re gonna put your shit out there.
I know, I know. Here come the arguments.
First you’re gonna accuse me of being the webby-web police, being all bossy and shit. Look now, I’m not saying don’t write what you wanna write. I’m just saying, don’t expect me to read it. And don’t expect me to hang out with you. Because I like people who know the difference between your and you’re. Or to/too/two. Or there/their/they’re. I can’t help it. It’s just who I am. You have my permission to hate me. (Just do it quietly, okay? Cuz I’m right and you’re wrong.)
Second you’re gonna call the webby-web cops on every error I ever made here on my own bloggy-blog. Even though I just got done saying I make mistakes. I’m not going to defend my stupid slip-ups in writing. Because the difference between me and the people to whom I refer is that I KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG. I just goofed. The people I’m talking about don’t actually understand the rules and they didn’t just goof. What they did is barf stupidity and set forth to display their lack of education.
Big, huge, gigantic difference, mutton chops. So get off me. I ain’t going to jail over this.
This conversation actually leads in to one of my favorite topics, namely
“All the Ways in Which You Suck.”
Or, in this particular instance, “Bad Blog Behavior.” Without further ado, here is my list of the top seven most annoying traits of blogs both good and bad.
And since I read a lot of blogs, I’m a fair judge. Just ask me.
Bad Blog Behavior #1
The aforementioned shitty writing. The inability to know how to properly string words together to form sentences that even slightly convey meaning. Lack of consistent grammar — as in, you’re so dumb, you can’t even keep your own ignorance straight. Abuse &/or neglect of apostrophes. And etc.
Bad Blog Behavior #2
Those bossy orders to “Tweet This” after what the author considers a well-spun sentence. I fucking hate those.
I’m like, “Oooooh, did you think of that sentence all by yourself? And now you want me to share it with everyone? You are so CLEVER! And I’m such a dumb-dumb reader that I couldn’t possibly have found the diamond in all this coal by my lonesome! Thank you for giving me that CLUE to your brilliance!” ad nauseum.
Don’t tell me what to Tweet. Don’t insult my ability to suss out good material. If I like what you wrote, chances are, I’ll find a gem without your help.
Bad Blog Behavior #3
Writing about Republicans in a positive light.
Bad Blog Behavior #4
Telling me how many weeks preggo you are. Guess what? I probably don’t give a shit. I don’t find it cute or adorable or endearing. I find it insufferable. Wanna know why? Because this:
Yes, pregnant women are, indeed, smug. It’s not like you’re doing something above and beyond that which your body was actually made for. Even amoebas have a form of procreation, but at least they don’t freaking talk about it all the time.
And yes I have my own kids. And no I don’t resent them. And yes I loved being pregnant with them. And no I’m not a dyke. And yes I’m okay with lesbians. And no I’m not being overly defensive. And yes I plan to throw my kids baby showers someday should they choose to create progeny.
Garf. You’re ALWAYS so argumentative!
Bad Blog Behavior #5
Most posts about pets. I say “most” because I wrote a post about my own fabulous polydactyl Dagny. But I mean, she has THUMBS for fuck’s sake. You’d write about that shit, too.
And it’s not like I told you the story of my four-inch shark named Pinocchio whom I torment by screaming through the aquarium glass, “You want to be a REAL shark so bad it hurts, but you’re just four inches, and you’ll never grow bigger than that, so you are an embarrassment to sharks everywhere on this planet!”
Now if I wrote about THAT, you could totally call me a hypocrite and get away with it.
Bad Blog Behavior #6
Boringness in any fashion. I’ve done my fair share of that, and it always comes back to bite me in the ass. So don’t feel pressured to call me out on this one. I ALREADY KNOW, OKAY?
Bad Blog Behavior #7
Lack of a strong conclusion. Kind of like this post is bound to have.
How do you properly wrap up a list basically crying out, “Please, for the love of Christ or whatever it is you find holy, stop all the sucky-ness, people!”
Get me back to me on this one, yeah? kthnxbai