You’re a Liar!: When a step-parent crosses the line

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August AtoZ: You’re a Liar!: When a step-parent crosses the line

liar

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“You’re a liar!”

These are the words which stung my ears last week when my daughter came back from her dad’s. My first response?

“Um, excuse me, ma’am?”

The idea that anyone, much less my own seven-year-old child, would accuse me of such low-handed, skeevy behavior shocked me onto my ass. I may be a lot of things, many of them most decidedly NOT NICE, but a liar isn’t on that list.

Not to say I haven’t told the odd-ball untruth now and again. We all have. But this didn’t come across as one of those little white lies we offer up to save feelings. This came across accompanied by tears and hurt feelings and frustration and incredulity.

“You’re a liar. You lied to me. My step-mom told me so. She said you’re a liar.”

 Ah. There it is. The crux of the matter. The problem. The dilemma. So then tact, not defensive anger, was definitely called for. Because this shit was about to get real.

Here’s the thing. Whether I lied to my kid or not, that step-parent really has no call to set the record straight. I can’t imagine coming up to someone else’s child and saying, “Hey, I like your shoes. And, BTW, your mom totally lied to you about -” Fill in the blank, because it really doesn’t matter, does it?

This is just some of the shit I have to deal with. And it’s totally not fair. I’m in the shitty position of putting my daughter in the middle of a pissing contest, and arguing back and forth through her… or else ignoring the taunts from afar, doing my best to set the record straight, and all the while attempting to keep my foe painted in a good light.

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I refuse to sink to her level.

 I have to find ways to fight fair, if at all. I have to treat others respectfully, no matter whether or not I think they deserve it. I have to avoid bad-mouthing them, as good as it might feel to fire away at the fucking f-bombs.

Where my child is concerned, I have to be the good guy.

So how does one go about defending oneself against such an accusation?

You’re a liar!

How does one not pick up the phone and scream into it,

“I’m a liar? Bitch, YOU’RE fucking liar! Let’s take this where we both know it needs to go and then call it done. Meet me with your six-shooter at sundown and have us an old-fashioned shoot-out.”

(((In this image, I’m wearing awesome black boots and skinny jeans that actually make me look skinny, and I have a cool duster that blows behind me like a cape in the wind. I am the picture of complete and utter bad-assery. I’m like some wicked cross between Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Trinity from the Matrix. Yeah. Hot, right?)))

Hollering threats on the phone? Exchanging bullets? Bad-assery?

These things *SO* don’t describe me.

This is what happened instead. My daughter and I snuggled up on the couch together for a heart-to-heart, and this is pretty much what I said:

“I think she must have been mistaken. Which is okay. Everybody has mess-ups. But I think she didn’t know everything about that situation, and she gave you her opinion without having all the facts. So you don’t have to be mad at her.

 

But — calling someone a liar isn’t nice. That hurts my feelings that you yelled at me instead of talking to me. I hope next time you think I did something wrong, you can ask me about it, so we can figure it out together.

 

But I can understand why you would trust her words. She’s a grown-up so you thought she was right. And most of the time, she is right. She’s really smart, and knows a lot of stuff, so you should still listen to her. I know she loves you a whole bunches and would never want to see you upset like this.

 

I’m sorry we had all this confusion. Feel better now?”

So that crisis was averted, and very nicely, too. I was able to deflect the insult, without getting down and dirty.

But it still eats at me. You’re a liar! You’re a liar! You’re a liar! What am I supposed to do with that?

Are you a step-parent with some advice to offer this mom? Are you a mom suffering similar drama with your child’s step-parent? What say you, readers?

A month of Controversy, August Blogging from A to Z dry run

AtoZ August 2012 — A Month of Controversy

Throughout the money of August 2012, my dear friend Aaron @dadblunders and I are doing a dry run of the Blogging From A to Z Challenge. This past April was my first official participation in such activity, and I had no idea what I was doing. No theme, no forethought, purely spur-of-the-moment. This time around, I have a plan. Join the fun!

For this event, I am engaging in a month of controversy. Consider yourself forewarned.

Comments

comments

  • trisha mckee

    Wow!
    I just have to say that you are a better person than I!

    I have a daughter… but I also have a stepson who is now 19 years old. I came into his life when he was four.
    My rule of thumb was to not parent- I left that to his father, except when I was the one to get him after school. I also knew his mother was the center of his universe so I treated her as such, although it was never easy.

    She told him we didn’t want school pictures, although we asked every year if we could order. She told him his father did not pay support- although he did and never, ever missed a payment in the eighteen years. EVER!
    She did a lot of things to try to turn him against us. It took everything I had, but I let it go and let him believe what he wanted. I convinced my husband that when my stepson was an adult, he would see.

    And he did.

    But it was bittersweet. Because it broke his heart to know the lies and manipulation that his mother indulged in- at his expense.

    So your daughter will see in time who the “villain” is. You are a great mother and are doing the right, not-easy thing to do! I commend you and am grateful for mothers like you out there.

    • http://www.theworld4realz.com/ Andi-Roo

      Trisha, I thank you so very much for your response, & am so sorry for the crapola you had to endure. If it means anything, you have given me much hope for the future. We keep thinking that eventually she’ll see things the way they really are, but it’s such a long ways off… lucky for us, my son is old enough at the age of 18 to know what’s up, & he will be there for her when she is finally able to come to terms with the true situation. I ache for what the future will reveal, because I don’t want her to ever think she is being used in a tug of war. I just want everyone to get along, so that she knows everybody loves her & has her best interest at heart. I wish this could be true. But in lieu of happy family relations, I’ll gladly accept on faith that she will at least know how very much we love her!

      If you are grateful for mothers like me, it can’t possibly match how grateful I am for step-moms like you who want to work with instead of against. My hubz is the most awesome step-dad on the planet & thinks of my babies as his own, without ever overstepping any bounds or being disrespectful. I wish the other side would act as you my hubz do. Thank you again for your kind words & your encouraging message!

  • http://twitter.com/RebeccaEmin Rebecca Emin

    This makes me feel very lucky. My stepdaughter came into my life when she was 2 and all of us (adults) have always put her first. I’m sorry you have to put up with the name-calling etc. It’s really not very fair at all.