Tag Archives: Music

Child of Farmer Rap

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Child of Farmer Rap strikes again:

listening to loud music

Loud!! – Peel and Stick Wall Decal

BOOM-BOOM DIGGY-DIGGY BOOM-BOOM-BOOM

BOOM-BOOM DIGGY-DIGGY BOOM-BOOM-BOOM

 

This is what I hear going by the front of my house about once week. Some hotshot teenager who forgets this is a six-street village surrounded by cornfields. Some punk-ass who wants me to believe he is very, very serious about living in the ghetto. Some white kid who lives in a nice four-bedroom house with two bathrooms and who likely has a Gold Pass to Kings Island.

 

Riiiiiiiiight. You are totally gangsta, boiiiiiiii. I’m scared. Please put away your glocky-poo and I promise not to withhold the tomatoes at our local farmers market where we’re likely to meet up, since WE ALL LIVE IN FREAKING FARMLAND. Stupid-headed dumb-dumb.

farmer rap

Child of Farmer Rap just wants to be understood:

My hubz says I’m doing this guy a grave disservice. He says that, since I used to live in a FOR REALZ city (as opposed to a cute little village in the middle of the cornfields of America), I have been conditioned to think that the bass blasting through my windows and rattling my dishes sounds like this:

 

First I’m gonna RAPE YOUR ASS BOOM-BOOM-BOOM

Then I’m gonna KILL YOUR ASS BOOM-BOOM-BOOM

 

I defy you to name for me any rap song that sounds more romantic. Cuz I don’t know of any that DO sound sexy and sweet, and that DON’T sound like they’re threatening to get down before they rip my heart out of my throat and shove it up my twat.

 

Child of Farmer Rap could be a lover:

graffiti artist banksy

Banksy Red Heart Balloon Boy Girl Weapons Graffiti Art Poster

Maybe I’m wrong though. Maybe the raps flying by outside are actually love ballads. Maybe the guy is actually singing:

 

I’m gonna TAKE YOU OUT BOOM-BOOM-BOOM

To a five-star EATERY BOOM-BOOM-BOOM

Candlelight dinner and I’ll TAKE YOU HOME

Kiss your CHEEK and drive AWAY BOOM-BOOM-BOOM

 

Somehow, I doubt that’s what Farmer Rap person is singing along to. That would fail to properly respect the tone that is set with hoodies and sagging pants.

 

Child of Farmer Rap isn’t alone in odd juxtapositions.

Let’s talk about British rappers. Seriously. I fucking love your sweet Old World accent, you English people. For realz. I’m not being facetious. I really do. I want a British accent so badly that sometimes I walk through the grocery store pretending I’m not from America, speaking all proper and whatnot with my “G’day, mate!” and “Care for some tea, Love?” My daughter surprised us all once by pulling a British accent out of her pocket. I have no idea where she picked that up.

 

O.O

 

Anyway.

 

Here is what I believe a British rapper is trying to say:

“I’m a hip gangsta in a contemporary world of bullets and warfare. Hear me roar and whatnot. Be afraid of my anger and shit. Grrr!”

 

But what I end up hearing is more like this:

“My ancestor’s slew dragons, eh wot? I seem to have misplaced my armor. Bully for damsels! Care for some crumpets? I have some tea prepared back at the castle.”

 

It’s the ultimate mix of Old World tone with New World sound. And it completely doesn’t work for me, in any way whatsoever.

 

Child of Farmer Rap, and British rapper person…

… won’t you guys consider trying a different shtick? Like I dunno, maybe you’d be more convincing as an ‘80s hair band. After all, my son says that decade is BIG “in” right now. You should totally give it a try. Go on. I’ll watch and tell you if it works.

Mick Jagger — Do You Have The Moves Like Jagger?

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Mick Jagger, REALLY?

I do not understand, in ANY way whatsoever, the current trend of showing love for Mick Jagger. Sure, I get that he was head of the Rolling Stones, and that they rocked the rocking world, and all that. If I’m being honest, though (and when am I ever NOT?), I couldn’t name a single song he performed. I’m in my mid-thirties, and I somewhat enjoy classic rock, so I recognize this is some sort of crime. Maybe I would recognize one of his songs if it played, but I would not be able to identify him as the singer. Go ahead, shoot me now.

 

MICK JAGGER SWAGGER — Ke$ha

Ke$ha refers to Mick Jagger in her awesome 2009 hit song “Tik Tok” which is featured in my “Go Mode” list of music to propel me into getting shit done around the house.

 

“And now, the dudes are lining up

cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick em to the curb

unless they look like Mick Jagger”

 

… which I don’t get, because Mick Jagger wasn’t even hot back when he was making music, and now his face resembles an old lady’s ass, so can I get a WTF on this, anyone? Ke$ha, sweetheart, you are gorgeous and hot — please don’t tell me you go for old, wrinkled fucks! *ugh*

 

Apparently there are rumors that Mick Jagger is KeSha’s daddy, because her mama didn’t name anyone as the father, and I read in a couple places that her mama went on tour as a back-up singer with the Stones way-back-when. That could explain why she would think boys should look like him. Except that it isn’t true; Mick Jagger is, in fact, NOT Ke$ha’s father. Myth busted. So I got nothing.

 

MORE MICK JAGGER SWAGGER — The Black Eyed Peas

The Black Eyed Peas refer to Mick Jagger in their very yucky 2010 song “The Time (Dirty Bit)”.

 

black eyed peas the beginning cd

“All these girls they like my swagger,

they callin’ me Mick Jagger

I be rollin’ like a stone,

jet setter, jet lagger”

 

I consider this song very yucky on general principle, because while I absolutely adore the Peas under most circumstances, this is a remake / rip-off of the classic and fabulous “(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life” which was featured in one of my all-time favorite moves, 1987’s DIRTY DANCING. And fuck you if you don’t like that movie, because just fuck you.

 

MICK JAGGER SANS SWAGGER — Maroon Five

Maroon Five refers to Mick Jagger in their 2011 hit song “Moves Like Jagger”.

 

mick jagger wall decal

“Take me by the tongue
And I’ll know you
Kiss me ’til you’re drunk
And I’ll show you

All the moves like Jagger
I’ve got the moves like Jagger
I’ve got the moves like Jagger

I don’t need to try to control you
Look into my eyes and I’ll own you

With them moves like Jagger
I’ve got the moves like Jagger
I’ve got the moves like Jagger”

 

Okay, not to be rude or anything, because I love Maroon Five, but these are some of the lamest lyrics I’ve ever read. And this is the fucking chorus. Plus? Did I mention that Mick Jagger looks icky? I can’t image his moves are really anything worthy of bragging about now. Michael Jackson or Madonna could surely show him up then, and Britney Spears or Justin Timberlake could surely show him up now. Again with the WTF?

 

MICK JAGGER — ARE WE DONE YET?

In my continuing fascination with trying to understand trends (see my posts on Bacon and Gangnam Style), I did some research, but I couldn’t find anything to support the somewhat recent and sudden onslaught of Jagger love.

 

However, Urban Dictionary provided some entertaining commentary, which I will leave you with, because I’m friendly like that.

 

Mick Jagger:

The God of All Things Sexual. Also the lead singer of the rock band The Rolling Stones.

 

The man who dudes must physically resemble to not be kicked to the curb.

 

Quite possibly the coolest man alive today.

 

Possibly the sexiest rock star that is still alive today, (RIP jim morrison, kurt cobain) and the fact that he sleeps with girls that are my age is so hot.

 

Biggest slut in the industry.

 

A bit of an ass, but awesome nonetheless. Describes a person who is hot but a bit of an ass. Also applies to a guy who sleeps with girls who are half their age.

 

Mick Jaggering:

The act of fathering or claiming to have fathered numerous children with many estranged women. (especially prevalent with musicians)

 

Mick Jagger Syndrome:

A mental disorder that makes someone think Mick Jagger, lead singer of the Rolling Stones, is attractive. Symptoms include kicking everyone to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger. The most famous case is American pop star Ke$ha, who has been suffering from Mick Jagger Syndrome since birth.

 

See? Tell me that shit didn’t crack you up!

Gangnam Style

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My 18-year-old son introduced me to some ridiculous dance yesterday, which apparently is the newest and hottest thing on the planet.

 

This song out of Korea called “Gangnam Style” has people creating funny new memes. The rapper’s name is PSY.

And I was completely ready to rag on this dude, because the Gangnam Style dance is the silliest thing I have ever seen — some kind of horse-riding bullcrap mixed with a bunch of moves straight out of the 80s.

 

Gangham Style

Purchase Gangham Style MP3 from my Amazon store! Click the image for more details!

I watched the video, and was perturbed to find it’s actually pretty decent. And entertaining. And gets funnier the more you watch it. I’ve now seen it at least ten times just today, in preparation for this here Gangnam Style article, and I can’t sit through it without cracking up.

 

The crazy guy is enthusiastic if nothing else, and the scene cuts in the video are smooth, lending to a pretty professional-looking product. Better than some of Kylie Minogue’s best efforts, at any rate.

 

So okay. The song is pretty catchy. Gangnam Style gets your head bobbing and your foot tapping. And the music is actually decent. As a matter of fact, Gangnam Style is currently stuck in my head, finally replacing that piece-o-shit “Call Me Maybe”. I’ve never been so grateful.

 

Surprisingly, not only is the video well-constructed, it’s also surprisingly clean. There is one moment where PSY wants to grab a girl’s ass while she’s posing in some yoga-stretch, but there are not any boobies or sex scenes or crotch shots. There is a lot of ridiculous bouncing around and dancing, but nothing that makes me gasp and send my seven-year-old out of the room.

 

Gangnam Style Poster

Purchase this Gangnam Style Poster from my Amazon store. Click the image for more details!

My son, although graduated from high school, is accompanying one of his gal-pals to the Homecoming Dance tonight. Which is why he had this video pulled up. Apparently he and some of his other friends are going to dance Gangnam Style, and he wanted to ensure he had the moves down pat.

 

So there’s my son in the kitchen, pretending to ride a horse, throwing an imaginary lasso, working on his hips, begging my daughter to be his dance partner for practice, and her laughing so hard she snorted.

 

“Let’s watch it again!” she giggles. And so he stops riding his horse and plays back the Gangnam Style video yet again.

 

I guess I should probably be worried about what the lyrics mean, or about what kind of message this dance is sending to the masses. But my son was curious too, so we looked up the words, and they are shockingly harmless. Almost… dare I say it… decent!

 

Gangnam Style Posters

Purchase this Gangnam Style Poster from my Amazon store. Click the image for more details!

The general theme of the song is encouraging girls to dress modestly, to leave more to the imagination, to know when to let loose versus when to act straight. And the overriding theme for ALL listeners is to not take things so seriously, to enjoy life and just have some fun.

 

PSY made an appearance on Ellen and said something that really made me love him a bit:

 

“Dress classy and dance cheesy.”

 

Yeah! Of course, I don’t really dress classy, and I don’t dance boring OR cheesy OR any other way since there is no dancing inside this body. So maybe I’m the wrong person to endorse PSY’s message. But I can’t help myself. I really, really like him. And I like his attitude. And I like his song. And I like his stupid dance.

 

My son approves this Gangnam Style message. I hope he brings back pictures from the dance tonight.