Some people engage in a little game called Fantasy Football. I admire those people, because they not only understand the sport itself, but know names of players and even the teams which each player represents. Those people have a lot of unnecessary, but very fun, information in their brains.

I, too, have lots of unnecessary but fun information floating around my brain, but sadly, it does not revolve around football. Don’t get me wrong — I really love the sport — but I know jack crap about it. I might watch a handful of games during the entire season, culminating in Super Bowl Sunday, during which we eat delicious foods from Dorothy Lane Market at my MIL’s house, and I learn who is playing.

I guess it’s because I enjoy watching the games regardless of which teams are involved. I grew up hating the Eagles, given they are the arch nemesis of America’s team, the Dallas Cowboys, the first team I ever loved. But after those years with Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith, and Michael Irvin, I kind of accidentally stopped knowing any names. I still love the ‘Boys… but in an “over there” kind of way.

In my teenage years I came to hate the ‘49ers. I knew a few guys who loved them so much it made me want to hit people, and eventually it just turned into PLEASE DIE YOU FOUL SCUM. You know how like when someone plays a song over-n-over again (“Call Me, Maybe?”) and it gets in your brain and maybe it started out pretty good but by the millionth time you hear it you feel like throwing a phone through the singer’s head? Yeah, like that.

When I lived in Florida I came to love the Dolphins. Many of the players lived across the bay / water way / ditch-thing and we could see them blow by on their fancy-pants boats, so it wasn’t hard to join in the enthusiasm. From what I recall, they kind of suck. But oh well.

Now I live in Ohio, and I can’t quite bring myself to love either the Browns or the Bengals. I even attended a Bengals game once. It was pretty fucking cool. But I don’t love them. I’m sorry. Two teams is enough.

I almost fell in love with the Patriots, but decided against it. I just can’t be bothered to add one more team. Again… Two teams is enough.

Since I have now exhausted my knowledge of football, it’s quite obvious I have no business joining a Fantasy Football league. So I’m not going to.

Instead, I’m going to start a league of my own.

Not a football one. A celebrity one. A FANTASY CLUB. My key players — er, MEMBERS — will be epic. Because, you know why?

Morgan Freeman, bitches.

His voice is the one to rule them all.

I still haven’t heard back from him, but that’s okay. I can listen to him online just fine.

Let me ask you a question:

If Morgan Freeman told you to do something, in that heavenly voice of his, would you even stop to consider what he was asking? Or, like me, would you just swoon, and then run to obey?

Yeah, that’s what I thought. I know I speak for all of us when I say that Morgan Freeman could tell us to jump off a fucking bridge and we would line up to get the job done. And if you disagree, you obviously have no place in my life.

With the leader’s role firmly in place, we now must consider our other key players. Members. Whatever. My FANTASY CLUB is shaping up nicely, yes?

There is a group of people I want to be friends with so fucking bad it kills me on my insides. Compared to them, I am the dork who eagerly runs over to say hi, trips over my damn shoelaces, and ends up throwing my lunch tray all over them. In their presence, I hate me.

This group consists of the following:

Wil Wheaton
Anne Wheaton
John Scalzi
Joe Hill
Neil Gaiman
Amanda Palmer
Jenny Lawson
Amy Berg

Seriously, you guys — I have a  Twitter List dedicated to these people. They talk to each other regularly, have inside jokes, dedicate material to each other, and generally ignore the public while having a blast amongst themselves. I want in that group so bad it makes me pee my pants with envy.

So this group is what I refer to as the Kewl Kids’ Table. They bring the fun, and thus make up the entertainment subcommittee of my FANTASY CLUB.

But if I’m doing this thing for pretend-realz, I know I need to have some strong worker-type people to run the other subcommittees in my FANTASY CLUB. The ones that are for causes and democracy and save the world and Free Willy and all that good stuff. The movers and shakers. Humanitarians. You know.

So tell me what you think about THESE choices for the group I will dub…
The League of Extraordinary People Who Don’t Suck:

Brad Pitt
Angelina Jolie
Leonardo DiCaprio*
Kate Winslet
Natalie Portman
Natalie Maines*
Edward Norton*
Bill Murray

Yeah, baby. Let’s play some football!

* FOOTNOTE:
I tried to put together a Twitter List of this group, too, but alas — the majority of them are too busy DOING VERY IMPORTANT THINGS to participate in mere mortal games like social media. You see why I need them for my FANTASY CLUB? These people will Get.Shit.Done.