My friend Aaron (@Dadblunders ) over at Dad Blunders – Life As I Know It wrote a fun article last week called “Father’s Curse”, in which he explained how parenting has essentially caused him a loss of independence, skills as a handy man, and intelligence. He wrote that, as a child, he had hoped to “escape becoming stupid as an adult.” And then he said something clearly, blatantly untrue:
“The fathers curse
in some ways might be worse
[than the Mother’s Curse]
because it affects who you are.”
Oh, Aaron, you mere MAN. You can not know how wrong you are. The Father’s Curse only seems worse to you because you are male. Let me tell you about the Mother’s Curse. It is much, much worse.
You see, as a man, you were always destined to become somewhat dumb as an adult whether or not you had kids. Tell me this isn’t true: You open the fridge and can’t find what you’re looking for because it isn’t up front. This is what I call using your “Boy Eyes”. Every time my hubz or 18yo son can’t find something, I tell them to go look again, this time using their “Girl Eyes”. Works like a charm.
But I don’t want this to turn into a war of the sexes, primarily because I happen to be right, but also because I happen to like men and don’t want to alienate the few who don’t hate already hate me. Let us discuss the Mother’s Curse and why it is so much worse than the Father’s Curse.
Because you are a man, your bumbling was already to be expected, and thus has a built in forgive-ability factor. Women, however, are expected to be bastions of perfection at all times — they must be able to pull it all together in the face of extreme chaos, every day, all the way. All while knowing they can never live up to their own mother’s way of doing things, because of the Mother’s Curse.
It is taught from the moment a daughter is born that she will be in charge, while at the same time she is doomed to fail-fail-fail. The Mother’s Curse indicates that Mommy knows best. It seeps into our entire thought process so that all decisions are subject to second-guess: Am I doing this because it’s what I think is right? Or am I doing this because it’s exactly what my own mom would or wouldn’t do?
Sometimes the Mother’s Curse is such that you will emulate everything your own mother taught you, in an attempt to win that ever-unachievable Mother-of-the-Year award. These moms should take note: You will never get it. When the Mother’s Curse was uttered, you were doomed to have children worse-behaved than you would ever have behaved yourself, and so nothing you do will ever be deemed correct.
Sometimes the Mother’s Curse is such that you will toss aside all your mother taught you, in an attempt to figure everything out for yourself. These moms, too, should take note: You will never win the Mother-of-the-Year award, either. When the Mother’s Curse was uttered, you were doomed to have children at least as ill-behaved as you were, but since you chose the alternate path, nothing you do will ever be deemed correct.
And now I can hear some of you asking, “Just what exactly *IS* this Mother’s Curse to which you keep referring?”
The Mother’s Curse, simply put, is what your own mother said when you were at your worst: “I hope when you grow up, you have children that act just like you!” This terrible, evil phrase indicates two things:
1. The fact that your mother couldn’t control you was through no fault of her own. You were a seriously effed-up kid. You were beyond all hope.
2. The fact that your mother wishes this fate upon you means that you are hexed to endure equal failure. And your mother is going to enjoy every minute of your downfall.
Women can only escape the Mother’s Curse by one of two methods:
1. Don’t ever have children. It’s too late for me, but maybe you can still save yourself. But then again, maybe not, because the Mother’s Curse will stay in effect long beyond your child-rearing years. As a non-parent thwarting the hex by avoiding it altogether, you will be a source of social ridicule and oddity. Not from *ME*, mind you, but from others who are less enlightened. I’m sorry. I wish it were otherwise.
2. Stand by every decision you make as a parent. Don’t waver. Don’t wonder if you made the right choice. Don’t let that worm of doubt enter your apple-head. You look that Mother’s Curse straight in the eye and tell it to piss off. Say, “Not me, Mom. I got this.” Don’t cower. Don’t be afraid. Stand tall and firm. Then, when the moment has passed, get down on the floor with your sweet, rotten child, and hug it out. The worst-behaved little cretin can’t possibly argue this method for long.
I say we’ve had enough of curses. Let’s all take a stand. Let’s pledge together, here and now, that we won’t engage in such poop. As Mothers, we will NOT pass the Mother’s Curse and wish mean-spirited nonsense onto our daughters and sons. As Fathers, we will NOT silently hope our children become as dumb as we might already be. Are you with me, parents? Let the curses end, NOW! Who’s with me?