Currently it’s all the rage to talk about your dreams, what you hope to accomplish before you die, how you want to be remembered, and which items you marked off your list before kickin’ it.
This fad is kind of morbid, really.
YOU ARE GOING TO FUCKING DIE.
How about some fun now?
Snow cone, anyone?
But I made a list. Yes I did.
At a scrapbooking event this past weekend, we were challenged to create a Bucket List page, for which I won an awesome prize. If I get handy enough with my camera, I’ll have the hubz post it herein for your amusement. But, just in case I suffer a case of the “I suck” disease which occasionally plagues me, here are a couple items I’d love to accomplish at some point.
Why? Because they are such sweet creatures. If you have ever watched one of these gorgeous animals mourn the passing of a loved one, you could not possibly believe they do not possess souls. Truly I’d be content just to be near an elephant, pet it, talk to it, look deeply into its huge eyes… But holy shizer! Have you ever watched one of these Big Bertha’s have a baby (watch here on Youtube if you want)? It is totally gigantoid grossness. Don’t do it. You’re totally going to though, I know it. Fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
I grew up on a small U.S. Air Force base in Southern Italy called San Vito Air Station. Some people blew it up or knocked it over or something since then — obviously not while I still lived there or else I’d be all dead and shit. I guess America got done with whatever they were doing and said, “Here, Italy. You can have this land back now. Ciao and whatnot.” I have postcards to prove I lived there, but very few pictures because my mom wouldn’t let us use the fucking camera. Or her fingernail file. Or her perfume. Or eat the last Pringles, which must be saved for Daddy, even though he would totally give them to you himself if you asked. Note: If you need a favor, ask Daddy, because Mom’s first answer will be “HELLZ NO.” So yes, visit Italy. With a camera.
This one is probably the most do-able. At some point in the future I will no longer quail at the notion of jogging less than one block to my daughter’s bus stop. I have been running on a treadmill, utilizing Week #1 of the Couch to 5K program for about three weeks now. I know, I know, I should be on Week #3 then. You would think that, wouldn’t you? I like to consider myself an overachiever, and plan to perfect Week #1 activities before moving on. Or, another way to view this might be in the light that I am a lazy bitch still unable to go the full program without wanting to punch somebody. My son is very proud of my attempts to get back into shape, and he doesn’t even laugh at me. Mostly. Okay, STFU. He laughs at me a lot. Whatever.
You will notice I said Disney, not Disney LAND or Disney WORLD. I left this blank for a reason. I don’t fucking know which one is in Florida and which one is in California. I don’t even know if those are the correct states in which the two are located. The point is, I want to go on a family vacation to one of those places where there’s a castle and Cinderella takes pictures with you and you can ride in those tea cups. You fucking know what I’m talking about so stop getting hung up in the details. And BTW, you know what? I’m totally lying about that being on my Bucket List anyway. I only used it on my scrapbooking page because I knew it would be easy to find an image so I could hurry up and complete the project. Eat that.
—Publish a short story in a magazine.
This one isn’t actually on my scrapbooking page. Why? Because I was under pressure and I completely forgot what all was on my personal list, that’s why. But it doesn’t matter. I still want to do it. I’m writing a story RIGHT NOW, and I am going to submit that bad boy. When it’s completed. And after the critique group cleans it up. And if my husband likes it. Sometimes I’m a bit much for his taste. I don’t know how that man puts up with me.
I don’t like your cat, either, so don’t bother talking about that if you want to change the subject. If you plan to comment, maybe you could tell me about your adventures with fingernail files, since I never got to use one.